November 05, 2015

Absence

I've been absent here for far too long.  That realization turned on the light bulb of understanding.

Why I've felt so adrift and lost and as though part of me were missing...

I don't know if anyone out there ever even read my blog, and, quite frankly, I don't care...I discovered some things about myself these last 10 months.

I care far too much what people think of me.  I am a control freak.  I have selective OCD.  I am a lazy lazy person.  I am arrogant and foolish and unwise.  I am imperfect.

That recognition in and of itself is huge.

I recently read that Imperfect Progress is still progress.  It was referring to some other aspects of things, but I'm realizing that I am a perfectionist to my core - if I cannot do it completely perfectly, then I won't do it at all.  When I struggle with my fitness and don't see results IMMEDIATELY, I quit.  If I can't empty and clean and sort and purge and reorganize a space in some preset timeframe, I will just let it sit and get worse. (Seriously...you should see my basement!!!!!!)

Things at home have been tense and terse and short-tempered and frustrating and heart-breaking.

Without details...I ask prayers for anyone who might be reading this - pray for BB and I please...we need it.  Desperately.

Needless to say, I need to be here for a bit, and will be using this as an outlet to dump all the ick floating around my head.  With that comes a warning that my posts may not be uplifting or happy or even loving or graceful or forgiving.  I may very well swear and call people names and wish upon them unending agony...  But I need to be real somewhere...and here is where that will happen.  I'm no t soliciting advice or sympathy or solutions.  I just need someplace I can say all the things I really want to say to the people in my world...perhaps that's a wrong way to handle it...

As I'm daily praying "Create in me a clean heart...and renew a right spirit" it may not be wise to come here and scream out all the epithets and accusations and emotions...but as I'm learning to handle things differently and have that right spirit settle upon me, I know that if I don't get that OUT safely, it will come spewing forth onto those I care about deeply...


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