January 15, 2016


Tonight I'm wondering why I even bother to try showing people the parts of me they don't know....

It's been 2+ years since I started working part-time in the bookstore/coffeeshop at Church. I love what I do.  I enjoy being surrounded by good books, good coffee and amazing customers.  I do not love the politics and favoritism that runs amok among staff...

I also don't necessarily love being treated as "just" a barista/salesgirl...I don't enjoy being talked down to by anyone, but even less so by those who haven't the foggiest idea of what I'm capable.

Tonight the sting is worse than normal...our Director of Commincations is resigning at the end of the month. I expressed interest and had a personal meeting with her, in which she said plainly that she sees me as a strong candidate.  I understand fully that our conversation was just that.  It wasn't an interview, nor a job offer....but to hear her say she'd fight to have my name at the top of the list meant a lot to me. She's been in this role for 28 years.  She's an amazing marketing and design person...her compliment of my work meant a lot.

That was yesterday.

Today, as I was waiting for Captain to finish basketball practice, one of my friends and fellow Church employees announced she had something exciting to tell me.

They gave her the job today. She starts training Monday.

I didn't realize how badly I was hoping this was God telling me that leaving the bookstore was the right thing to do...that THIS was the change He had for me...

I'm truly excited for her and know she'll be good at it....truly and sincerely I am.

But man oh man does it hurt like nothing else.

To not even have had a chance at being considered really stinks.

And so, as I sit here in my silent house...kids asleep, BB in his workshop with his friend and partner, I'm left wondering just what it is I claim as being a gift or talent or skill anymore.

I'm feeling lost and adrift and hurting a lot.

Somehow, I just wonder if my 2nd Grade teacher was right and I'm just only good at being nice to look at....and that there's nothing past the exterior package that's of any worth at all to anyone.

I don't want a solution or even a "don't say that"....

Tonight I just want someone to say that they get that I'm hurting and let me wallow for a bit without telling me that I brought it on myself by not trying harder to find another job or that I should have said something sooner about being interested...

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