January 20, 2015

Adrift

Many moons ago, shortly after Captain Chaos was born, I got a phone call from my brother asking me to meet for coffee.  I jumped on it - he's my favorite, always the one who gave me the least grief for being myself, just the quiet steady presence that I needed as I was growing up.  He was the one who told me that my high school BF and I wouldn't last, that my erroneous thinking in other relationships were no reason to beat myself up...he's been the favorite uncle to my 3 children, and is still my favorite brother.  We just have a different relationship than those I have with my other brothers.

Point being - I love him.  He's just that guy that you love...

Anyway...meeting for coffee...my heart was sort of sick over the meeting - we'd just asked him to be Godfather to Captain...I was afraid of what the conversation would turn into...

As we sat, sipping our coffee, he sort of fiddled with his cup, and fidgeted in his seat, obviously nervous.

And then he told me about his years of seeking and praying and reading and studying and the conclusion to which he'd come.  He's gay.  He asked me not to tell anyone else.  I agreed on the condition that I wouldn't lie to anyone about it - if someone asked me directly, I wouldn't lie and tell them no, or that I didn't know.

For the last 8 1/2 years, I've carried this.  It honestly doesn't bother me.  It hasn't changed who he is, how he treats others...it just changes who he looks to for love.

If this is offensive or against your beliefs, you should stop reading now.  Don't leave any comments, just close your browser and walk away...

About 6 years ago, he started talking about someone - and it was evident to me that he loved this man deeply.  They've since bought a house and moved in together, and are quite happy.  My kids refer to both of them as "Uncle", and love them both unreservedly.  My parents tolerate the situation.

Well...about 3 months ago, my brother asked me what our folks would think if he told them he was getting married.  I was honest, and said it wouldn't be a good reaction...but it wasn't my decision to make for them.

He told them.  They said "oh" and it hasn't been talked about since.

Yesterday, I had the extreme honor and privilege of being there witness my brother get married.  I love and adore my brother and am so glad he's found his One.  I love my new brother-in-law.  We had a fun time, spent the whole day with them in fact...

I'm feeling a bit adrift, however...I know that I'm called to LOVE.  That's it - Love God first and foremost with everything I am.  Then, Love others the way I want to be loved.

I know for a fact that I do NOT want to ever be treated as second-class, an abomination, a disappointment, a failure...

I know for a fact that I am broken and a sinner and God loves me so much that He sent Jesus to take me place in the final ultimate sacrifice - I'm redeemed, I'm washed, I'm forgiven!!!!

I know that I am simply called to LOVE people...God loved me, I love others.  The End.

But its still tough to balance that loving with what I have always believed to be right...I know what my Bible says about sin...I sometimes wish, in cases such as this, that I could see the original manuscript of Genesis and be able to read it and understand EXACTLY what it says about God and how He made us humans...

If you're still reading, please be praying...for my folks to remember to LOVE their kids.  For BB and I, as we're now faced with our kids being involved in a bigger ceremony than the civil one they had yesterday, and how to balance loving and supporting without teaching our kids that this is right in God's sight - to have wisdom in balancing love and beliefs.  For my brother and brother-in-law...that while their relationship may not be exactly the way it was intended - that they still be happy and have the best relationship they can.

Beyond that, pray that I'll be able to be loving and intentional with my choices and actions...

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