Since starting seeing a counselor in December, I've been learning much about myself. I must be right. All the time. Always. Even over silly things with my children who don't know any better. I must also be in control. I don't care what it takes, I have to be in charge.
Where this came from I've no idea. BB and I are still on rocky ground. I think I'm making strides in breaking through these issues, finding out what triggers things, and what I can do to be mindful of my choices, and how they're impacting the BB and the children.
It's tough. I'm not going to pretend it's easy. Some days I want to throw in the towel and quit and just take the consequences. Other days, tears are hovering just below my carefully crafted control. Still other times I want to throw my head back and scream.
Through it all, I keep pressing on, keep getting back up, dusting off the dirt and muck that covers me when I stumble and fall, and put one metaphorical foot in front of the other.
I do know this: It is not on my own that I'm doing this.
One thing I'm discovering - those times I'm in the Word, those days I start in silence and solitude with my Bible and some time to pray are so much better than the days I don't. The days I stop, take a breath and pray, even just a short sentence, are easier, the things that make me go crazy seem smaller and further away.
This week in Bible Study, we talked a bit about the verse in Romans where Paul states "I keep on doing what I don't want to do", and it really hit home about dying to self. That moment where you believe and you put away all the old habits and old desires, and your past sins are washed away...and then you step forward, this new person in God's eyes, but still the same in the eyes of the world. The desires and nature are still there, and you're left trying to figure out how to turn away from it each time it pops up in front of you...
I had this totally amazing, light bulb, clouds parted and the angels sang moment, and not a single person knew it but me. It was glorious and humbling and incredible and sounds crazy when I say it.
Background: I grew up going to Church and Sunday School, VBS, Church Camp, Youth Group, CIY...I was baptized when I was 8.
News Flash: I had no freaking clue what it really meant to be a believer...this whole process of sanctification? I think I've been standing in the same exact spot for the last 29 years I was in the morning I was baptized. I'm still standing there, figuratively, in the baptismal, dripping wet, waiting for the lightning bolt of life in Christ to strike me. I'm still that kid, believing that just saying the words is all that it takes to make something real.
Needless to say, I had this moment Wednesday morning where I realized that I can't just stand there and wait for it all to happen around me.
The old adage "God helps those who help themselves" is true. No, we don't have to EARN our salvation, but we have to choose to take action - we have to choose to believe, we have to choose to repent, we have to choose, moment by moment to live as His bondservant...to choose to remain in His presence, as His servant, as His property...and do that which He commands us to do, that which He requires of us.
Just as I expect my children to do what I ask them to do, the first time I ask them to do it, joyfully...well, that's what God wants. I'm no different in His eyes than my kids are in mine - I know they're going to make mistakes, to falter, to whine, to complain, to ignore the command given them...
Maybe you're sitting there going, well duh Kork...everyone knows that. And maybe they do! I guess I'm a slow learner sometimes...
I covet your prayers and good thoughts as I turn this new leaf over and delve into what it really means to belong to God...