Longing

I find myself here, in the darkened room, while the house around me is silent.  All the children are in bed, BB is suffering a pretty nasty head cold and is also in bed.

The basement space is finished, things are progressing nicely with a massive undertaking by myself to empty every nook and cranny of this house one at a time, purge, clean, reorganize.  It's an "Out with the old" kind of thing.

I decided after BB's birthday, and what I like to call the "Big Financial Fiasco", that there are a heap of nasty habits I've been harboring.  Some I knew about, and stubbornly and selfishly hung onto them...some are new to me, brought to light by seeing a therapist.

Yup, I'm seeing a therapist.  I'm the one who caused our financial issues this time around.  It was ugly, it was huge, and it caused a deep wound between BB and I.  To the point where I'm honestly not sure at any given moment if he'll be pleased or pissed when I talk with him.

It is causing me to be in almost constant contact with him about every little thing that goes on.  Alright, not every little thing, but aside from telling him that I've eaten, drunk, or gone to the restroom, it feels as though every move is being reported.  I understand what being a recently released convict on parole must feel like.  Any given moment, the parole office may call, text, or come through my front door to check in on me.

I have a written schedule, to which BB holds me accountable.  This, I accept gladly as a good thing.  Left to my own devices, I push things back and would much rather sit around doing nothing, or reading, but certainly not doing what needs doing.  I make lists, endless lists of tasks, how those task are to be carried out.  BB is not holding me to perfection, but I'd better have a darn good reason for major things not getting done around here.

Being told that the next major mistake could be the last one in a relationship wakes one up.  To be honest, I was out of touch.  I thought I was in touch with things, with BB's needs, had my finger on the pulse...turns out I didn't.  I had NO IDEA that for 10 years, he'd been frustrated, upset, disappointed in me, angry that he'd ask me to change, I'd say I would, and then days later be back to my old ways.

Before you get freaked out, let me explain:  BB is an engineer, who is certainly created to be such.  His world is linear, 0's and 1's, on or off, black or white, yes or no.  There are no shades of anything in his logic, in his processes.  He says he will do something, and come Hell or high water, it gets done.  As he says it will, when he says it will.

I am messier, blurrier if you will...there are infinite shades in my world.  I am ok with saying "I'm going to do this" and letting other things take precedence.

That drives him batty.  For some reason, when we were dating, I either chose to ignore it, chose to believe it wouldn't be an issue, really, OR, thought I'd change his stripes.

So, yes, I was selfish.  I still am at times.  I get mad, frustrated, upset, angry, loud, belligerent, pissy, whiny, complain-y...I wish sometimes that he'd just back off.

But what I've discovered about myself, is that I need someone to tell me that I've got these flaws, that these flaws are not endearing, they are not "just who I am"...they are ugly, nasty, terrible habits that I've spent the better part of my 37 years cultivating...and need to spend as little time as possible eradicating.  I can't just burn the weeds, I've got to painstakingly go along, digging them out, insuring I get the root, and amending the soil of my life, and replanting with the beautiful things.

That's not to say I'm not allowed to have anger or frustration, I just need to have a better way to deal with it...because while I'm not the only 30-something having temper tantrums and "I'll show you" moments, I'm the one that BB chose and committed to for the rest of our lives.  I'm not throwing that away for my own desires.

Thankfully, at this point, the majority of the financial issues are cared for, and we're rebuilding our savings, and I'm on a very short leash financially (he gets the money from the bank, and I show him receipts to insure that things are not being done underhandedly or in secret, and I only get the debit card when I need to fill up or make a special purchase that was discussed beforehand).

However, at this point, our relationship is still incredibly fragile.  I'm trying to be more aware of how I'm communicating with people in general, but especially BB and the kids.  I'm trying to be more aware of being proactive in my communication with BB about things that are going on.  I feel as though I'm texting him constantly, BUT, my texting the tasks that are done, as they are done, is going a long way to helping rebuild us.

I still get mad.  I still want to scream about how unfair things are.

I'm really wishing I could sit down for coffee somewhere, with someone and dump all the icky ugly thoughts and emotions I have with no ramifications.

 I've got a longing in my heart for someone I can talk to without judgment that would just take me in their arms and say "yeah, it sucks right now.  Be angry, whine and complain.  Now, dry your eyes, pull up your big girl pants, and get back to it."

I'm sharing this because I need to be transparent.  For myself, for my relationship...and maybe, for someone out there who's also struggling.