September 20, 2011

Does It Ever Get Easier?

Today was another rough day emotionally for me. All the ugly feelings that I try not to have, the irrational thoughts, the frustrations...they were there in force today - so much so that I found myself with some really ugly thoughts that I'm uncomfortable even thinking about having had...

For some reason, BB and I have just been at odds lately. I have a feeling I know why, but that makes me more frustrated, because I'm tired of it being my fault that he's frustrated. I won't embarass you with details, but basically, if I don't drop everything to be "romantic" with him, he gets upset. I know that there are times that I truly am in the middle of something that would cause serious issues to just leave. I also know that there are times when I just don't want to be interrupted.

I hope I'm not alone in having trouble balancing caring for the kids, all the things that go along with having a home like laundry etc, and being a wife. I don't have issues making sure that BB's got clean clothes, lunches, that I have conversations with him about his day and the world outside of our home.

I think my struggle comes from the fact that I choose to get up early enough to get myself ready, and have ample time to get the kids ready for their days and BB sleeps until the last possible minute it takes for him to get himself ready. If things go awry in the morning, he gets easily frustrated, which makes me feel as though I have to scramble to fix everything, to soothe everyone and smooth things over. Which then makes me feel resentful that I'm doing "everything", which makes me not want to be anywhere near him...

And so you see my issues.

BB is an amazing man. He works his tail off to make sure the kids and I are cared for - we have an abundance in our lives. He's smart, resourceful, strong, funny, creative...I could wax poetic about him, but I won't bore you.

I know he is gone all day and that he misses us when he's gone. He cares deeply for us, and would do anything for us. I know that inside and out.

What gets me, is that some days I just struggle with feeling so angry and taken advantage of. And that stinks! I don't like feeling as though I'm a martyr or a victim, or that my husband and best friend is this evil, malicious man who has nothing better to do than leave me to do "all the work" of raising our family and caring for our home...

So, those who've been there, done that...tell me, does it get any easier?

1 comment:

FarmWife said...

Husband is the same way in the mornings. I get up, get the FarmHands ready, get myself ready, get everything we need for the day ready, then he rolls out of bed at the last minute & gets himself ready. It gets frustrating. But I've decided this is not a battle worth fighting. & it's not a battle that will last forever. Eventually the FarmHands will be totally self sufficient & I will have a different role to fill.

My job is the homefront. His job is 12 hours a day at a job he doesn't love supporting us financially and coming home to care for the massive yard & outdoor work that never ends. It sucks sometimes, but it is our life.

As for the romance part, we struggled with that for a long time. I watched other marriages fall apart because of similar circumstances. That's when I decided God called me to be more than just his housekeeper & friend. We're called to be lovers as well. If that need isn't fulfilled at home, things aren't going to be pretty.

Sure, there are times when I'm too busy or I'm exhausted. If I'm too busy I usually tell him to give me x-amount of time to free myself up. If I'm exhausted or just don't want to be interrupted, I've decided it's worth a bit of inconvienence on my part to make ours a happier marriage. A "Happy" husband makes for a much happier home.

I'm not a stepford wife by any stretch, but I know I have to make my husband feel important if I'm going to expect the same out of him. I don't want to feel unappriciated, so I refuse to underappriciate him.