September 19, 2011

Longing

I suppose it's because Littlest One has literally taken off running, but I have been toying with, no, make that dangerously flirting with the idea of another baby. Keep in mind that BB said "two is the right number". And then we found out we were having Littlest One.

It's tough. Littlest One was sort of a shock to BB. Not in the "what were you thinking" sort of way, but in the "wait...you're what???" sort of way. Once we realized that we really were pregnant, it was all good. We were excited, sometimes a little nervous when we'd get caught up in thinking about the future, and the money it would take to raise and educate another little one.

But I remember a conversation shortly after Captain was born - within a few hours in fact - in which BB looked at me and said "with the difficulty we had getting this little guy, we'll take whatever God gives us".

And then somehow, somewhere, he got this notion in his head that we didn't have a big enough house, or we wouldn't have enough money, or any other reason he can come up with.

I don't know why, I don't pretend to understand. Other than the fact that he only grew up with a step brother that is 10 years older than he is, I have no idea why he's afraid of having a 4th baby.

Maybe someday, he'll be able to express to me what really lies behind the fear in his eyes when I say something about wanting another baby.

Until then, I will pray that God will show us the plan for our family - for contentment with where we are, and that which we have.

1 comment:

Kat said...

I understand your sense of longing! We went through 12 years of infertility after the birth of our first child. Sometimes I wanted another child so much I would just cry and my longing was so profound. Then we decided to place it in the Lord's hands and be satisfied that He knew what was best for our lives and we trusted His timing was perfect. We still wanted another child, but gave it all over to Him, trusted and were content. Three months later I was pregnant!
It sounds like you have a very good man. Maybe his fear is not so much fear really, but his sense of responsibility to you and your children? Sounds like he wants to be a good provider and husband and so he's thinking carefully about another child, because he wants to make sure he can be the best husband and father he can be?
It sounds like you have a happy and wonderful family. I know the Lord will give you comfort and contentment during this time.
Thanks for sharing! I really enjoy your blog!

Kat