February 08, 2011

How Do You Handle THIS? *Updated*

Zoiks! (Yes, I quoted Shaggy from Scooby Doo and Friends.)

Once upon a time, I told a bit about my sister. Today I'm going to recap and vent a tad. So...if you're looking for a positive post, it's not here right now. Try back later.

When I was 7, my folks started the journey of becoming Foster Parents. By the time I was 10, we'd had a foster child living with us for a year, and we then adopted her. I was excited. Until she actually lived with us full-time. Her biological parents were addicts and alcoholics. She is the oldest of 4 siblings that were separated by the time she was 5. Three of the 4 are Fetal Alcohol Syndrome survivors? Victims? Whatever. She was horrible - violent fits of rage. Screaming, yelling, temper tantrums, jealousy. The family counselor we went to told us that she'd eventually outgrow and get over it.

Well, here we are some 24 years later (give or take) and she's still jealous of me.

When we were teenagers, she hated me. But she couldn't let me be. She had to do all the same things I did, and then couldn't understand why she wasn't getting the same accolades. Flat out, her strengths were elsewhere, but she could only see that I was doing better. Ergo, it sucked at my house during my teenage years.

At some point, she decided to start hanging out with some people that "liked" her. Eventually she got busted for possession. She ended up in a lot of trouble. My folks had tried everything while we were in middle and high school, even to sending her to a special home for troubled youth that was in 2 states away. She was great while she was there, but as soon as she came home, it was the same thing within weeks.

Eventually, my folks gave her the ultimatum - she could no longer come to our house, or call us, or talk to us or ask us for money. She ended up in a rehab center in a town about 90 miles from here. Halfway through the program, she decided to close out her bank accounts, leave the program and hop a bus to Chicago. I think she was hoping our oldest brother and his family would take her in and "be nice" to her. Little did she know that they were more compassionate perhaps than my folks were at that point, but not stupid. There was no way they'd take a drug addict into their home with 3 small children. About that time, one of my other brothers was also in Chicago and she thought he would help her out, give her room and board and the like...but he was getting ready to go to Africa for 4 years.

So, she found herself in the Windy City, friendless, with no place to go, and only a few hundred dollars. Needless to say, she ended up in legal trouble for drugs and, of all things, solicitation.

I hadn't spoken to her in years. Part of her program, I learned third-hand, was to write letters apologizing to all of her family members and asking forgiveness for the hurt she caused. I'm still waiting for mine to arrive in the mail. Darn postal service must have lost it...(smell the sarcasm there???)

Needless to say...I was not thrilled when she sent a friend request to me on Facebook, but how do you reject a member of your own family? Yeah...rock? Hard place? Stuck!

SO...here I am, just a few months or so out of accepting her request, and she has only the family members as her facebook friends...because every stinking single post I make there she has some snarky comment to make...and does she make them...without filter, without thought...

I try hard not to let it affect me, or bother me, but some days it's harder than others...

BB is getting ready to be gone overseas for over 2 weeks. I am very stressed out getting things ready for him, as he's working 10 hour days trying to get all things ready for while he's there, plus tying up all loose ends for things here to be cared for while he's out of the office. I've been running errands, gathering specialty things he needs, and making sure he has cash, and that his credit cards are set up for international purchasing, as well as the usual things I do around the house and with and for the family. I'm not complaining about these things, but it is rather stressful. Plus, there's the emotional issue I'm having with the fact of BB's being gone...

I made a status update on FB yesterday regarding the busyness of my day due to all the preparations I'm taking care of, and she made some snarky remarks. It made me frustrated. More, I was embarrassed that my other friends saw what she was writing.

And how stupid am I for being embarrassed over something I have no control of?

Right now I want to scream and tear my hair out over it...and how sucky is that?


Thank you Ang and Inkling! It is so good to know there are folks out there who can be encouraging and supportive. I know FarmWife is too, she sent me a message on FB last night about this subject...

Inkling - she does have kids. All 3 are either adopted or in process of being adopted by a wonderful family in the Chicago area who are amazing Believers. All 3 were on Methadone immediately after birth, and I honestly don't know how they're doing...I do know that they are really close in age to my own kids (as well as MissionaryMan's). It stinks that I have a niece and nephews I'll never get to know, and can only love them through prayer. I know she's broken. I just don't know (and probably never will) how much is FAS, or something similar, how much is damage from her addictions and how much is purely psychological from the abandonment.

Please be praying when you see her comments.

Ang - thank you for the advice! I will attempt to do some blocking. I need to sort through my list of "Friends" and set up groups and all that jazz. Just one of the many little projects I intend to do while BB is away.

PS - thanks again for all the long-distance sisterhood! I really need it right about now...one of these days, we'll have to meet up for lunch in real life.


Anonymous said...

Let me tell you about a great feature on facebook.

As you are typing on your wall..Click the button next to share. It should say Everyone, Friends of Friends, Friends Only, Customize.

I have mine on Make this Visible to These People (Friends Only) Underneath it says Hide this from (these people:*****)this is where you type their name.

Hope this works. Love you..(delete her comment)

Inkling said...

Is there a way to block her from posting on your wall? I know FB lets you block posts from people in the newsfeed, and was just wondering if anything like that existed for your own wall.

Aside from "defriending" her and sending her a note explaining why you were choosing to set up a boundary like that, maybe you could ask those of us who read here and are your FB friends to pray whenever we see one of her comments (hard to miss since she's into all-caps).

If she does have fetal alchohol issues in her medical background, there isn't much hope for her to ever change or be healed. That's a pretty permanent disability that looks like a lack of self-control, but is really an actual medical issue. I have NO idea how adoptive families cope with one of those children. (the sheer number of Natives in prison here has a lot to do with FAS) But if because she was the eldest and maybe her birth parents weren't drinking yet, she got to escape that, then maybe her horrid behavior is really because of intense brokenness and all we can do is pray for her and ask God to step in and bring about a change. And then the rest we can do is support you as you set healthy boundaries for your own emotional health.

Whatever you decide, know that I'm praying for you. It must really suck to have wanted a sister to love and care for and be friends with and to instead have gotten someone who refuses to be loved and who refuses to be healthy.

It looks like she has kids of her own. Are they in her care? If so, do you know how they are?

Grace said...

Ah, your status about Ang and her computer brilliance makes more sense now. Glad you were able to figure that out. I've used that for awhile 'cause I've got teens from the youth group on my friends list and I really don't want them to know all my everyday business. So they are all in a list by themselves and blocked from everything unless I change it for a particular status that I actually want them to see!

I'm sorry that you've had such heartbreak in your life concerning your sister. I'm thankful that the children are being taken care of by someone who loves them and is capable of caring for them. I will be praying that there will be healing if at all possible among your entire family, but especially for her and her children.