January 07, 2011

Found

Well, on a light note I found that my motivation lives in my sneakers. Who knew? Seriously. Yesterday, I got up, did my normal shower-get-dressed-comb-my-mop-of-hair routine, put on my sneakers and totally kicked some tail on housework. The kids' rooms and bathroom are spotless. If you wanted to eat off of bathroom linoleum you totally could. I did 14 loads of laundry. Yes, you read that correctly - 14. I did 7 loads of sheets, towels, blankets, comforters, quilts and pillows, and 7 loads of clothing. I completely cleaned out and organized my side of the closet, my dresser drawers and my part of the vanity in our bathroom. Our master bedroom and bath are also spotless. Christmas got completely packed up and put away, the main floor is about 85% clean right now. I made homemade bread and soup for dinner last night. I went to bed tired but satisfied. Littlest One slept until 4:30 this morning which was bliss for me - 6 uninterrupted hours of slumber.

I awoke this morning and came downstairs and did a little workout, baked BB's sourdough bread, and got showered and dressed, and put on my slippers. I then proceeded to sit on my butt in front of the television and/or computer until 10:45, at which point I said to myself "I think I'll put on my sneakers in case BB wants to go out to lunch after Capt is done with school today."

I was instantly transformed into this machine that was motivated like nothing else I've seen (since yesterday).

I also found that I'm not very sympathetic. At least when it comes to BB being sick with a head cold. He started sniffling and coughing about a week ago, after taking the kids sledding. I know it was cold and snowy outside while said activity was going on. I also know that I too have been sick. I have not had a solid night of sleep in over 3 months since Littlest One started getting teeth and sick at the same time. I have had the stress of packing and preparing for 2 major trips, plus hosting 2 holiday meals in my home, plus staying on budget for gifts. I have not slept past 6am in a really long time because there is always someone or something that cannot survive without me. BB has slept for up to 12 hours at a time since getting ill.

Let's just say that I have a hard time with the fact that he expects his world to stop and wait upon him when he is not feeling well, and as the wife and mother, I am expected to stop my world and wait upon everyone else. No matter what I'm going through.

It sort of sucks. OK, it really sucks. And right now, I'm feeling all weird about it because of what my dear friend Inkling is suffering through right now. I'm feeling guilty for feeling upset and jealous that BB is getting waited upon, sleeping as much as he wants, getting treats of beverages and soup and things made for him. I get his blanket, his medication, I let him sleep in...but when I'm sick, I still have to get up and take care of kids, laundry, housework, errands, meals...

I feel guilty for having a husband to take care of. I feel guilty that my children are healthy and whole and not suffering any loss right now.

I feel guilty that I'm looking forward to his overseas trip in 5 weeks. In fact, I feel guilty for counting down the days to his leaving with a tiny bit of anticipation and excitement about being on my own and not having to care for him too.

It sucks. that's all I can say.

I know people who have lost children, one of whom has an anniversary of that loss coming up in just a few short weeks. I know people who have lost spouses. I know people who have lost 3 of the 4 parents in their lives, and only have a mother-in-law who is not very nurturing or loving left in their life and their children's lives.

And yet, here I sit, griping because BB is sick with a head cold and it has turned him back into an 8-year-old that is whiny and expecting to be waited upon hand and foot.

Yup, I've found out I'm not the woman God would have me be quite yet.

How long until I can grow up, pull up my big girl pants and get my act together?

1 comment:

akamrsx said...

It's so hard sometimes to be the main caregiver when you sometimes want to be cared for yourself. I've found that sometimes I would be sending giant mental telepathy rays to Mr. X that I needed taking care of and then would get angry that he just wasn't paying attention.

I finally sucked it up and told him what I needed. It worked. While I still believe in mental telepathy, I do still practice telling him what I need.

Have you talked to BB about this? Men can be shockingly clueless, sometimes on purpose and other times just because. You really need to share these thoughts with him, because I can tell how frustrated you are (as I would be too).

Finally, I say ditch the guilt. Just because there are people out there who have it much worse does not mean that you don't have the right to complain. Life is not supposed to be easy. You know this. It helps sometimes to complain about things as a way of letting off steam, sharing the burden with someone else and just putting things into perspective. It doesn't mean that you are less grateful.

Just take a deep breath and dive in. The water's very nice!