May 05, 2010

Taking a Hiatus of Sorts

Recently it was brought to my attention that I have been acting a bit odd...touchy, irritable, flying off the handle at the slightest provocation, super sensitive...

And so, after a long conversation that involved raised voices, angry tones, shouting, and crying, I realized that I was actually suffering from a bit of PPD...

Rest assured that I'm taking steps to work through this, and that the kids are in no form of danger from me or my issues.

I am, however, making sure I'm taking time for myself, to work out, to spend time reading books that don't have pictures or rhyming words, to get away from the house (both with and without the kids) for things other than household errands, and making sure that BB and I have time together that involves more than discussing what happened during our day.

I'm feeling much better, but during the course of this initial therapeutic stage I realized that I spend way too much time plugged into things like TV and computer. One of the things suggested to me was that I needed to limit my time, limit my outlets to constructive activities that actually involve my body, and not just my mind.

That being said, I'm spending lots of time running around the backyard with the kids, gardening, reading books, playing games, riding my bike (after school when the neighbor girl comes over and does homework while the kids sleep), and working out either on the Wii or just going for a run. I'm enjoying things that are repetitive and mundane (yes, even laundry feels better now than it did a few weeks back), and have planned and executed 3 weeks worth of menus. The house is still chaotic to my eye and my psyche, but I'm realizing that I was totally caught up in the perpetual nature of living (toys taken out and put away 12 times a day, laundry done only to have the baskets full again the next day - you know how it goes) that I was failing to realize that in the grand scheme of things, every household in the world deals with that - every family wears clothing every day, and unless you only have one set of clothing, you deal with the fact that every day there is dirty laundry generated. Every day meals must be prepared and cleaned up after. Every day someone needs their nose wiped, or their pants changed. Every day, someone needs you to take them somewhere, to tuck them in, to kiss away their hurts and tears, and to snuggle them. Every day, someone needs to have a story told to them, and their animals needs cared for...BUT...every day, someone is being taught a life lesson, or a knowledge bit that will shape them and mold them...

I know all of these things in my head - that life causes a perpetual cycle of things that need doing, that being a parent means sacrificing my needs to some degree. But sometimes, there is this disconnect between my head and my heart, and sometimes your soul gets caught up in the negativity, and you feel alone, as though you're the only one going through what you're going through...

Please don't misunderstand this post - I love and adore my children and my husband. BB is an amazingly supportive husband - he does things around the house, about 99% of the outside chores, he spends time reading to, and playing with the kids. He changes diapers (shhh! don't tell anyone!), rocks the baby, sets the table, does the dishes...the children are huge helpers for being one month shy of 4 and 2 1/2 years old. The baby is mellow and easy-going, a good sleeper that can sleep with the vacuum cleaner being run right under the crib...I have a house to live in, food and clothing for my family in ample supply. I am blessed beyond measure to be staying at home raising my children. I am the one shaping them, directing their paths, filling their minds.

It is a daunting task to be sure, and there WILL be days when I will cry in frustration or anger or even despair. However - I am choosing to focus on the days and events that fill my heart to overflowing - the days when Captain will sit down and ask me if he can snuggle with me, or tell me he wants to spend time with the baby while she nurses, or asks for paper so he can write his letters for me, or learns to put together the alphabet magnets on the fridge into a word all on his own...or when DG climbs up on the bed in the morning with her hair flopping into her eyes and tells me, with her little hand on my cheek "Mama? I weeked up!", or carries around her baby doll and tells me "we're goin on a-venchure! Love you!"...days when BB and I can hang out in bed snuggling and talking about our hopes and dreams...or those perfect moments when I'm able to be truly alone with the baby, nestled close together while she nurses, and know that I'm doing good things...

And so, I'll be posting...when I feel the need to say something truly of worth about my family or my experience that day...please don't leave, keep coming back to check me out...and someday, hopefully soon, I'll be back to having happy and meaningful things to share regularly.

3 comments:

Ang said...

Love you (((((hugs)))))

Sarah @ Ordinary Days said...

Your plan sounds perfect, especially the playing in the yard and the doing things by yourself parts!

It's so good that you see clearly enough to know something is up and to be able to set some guidelines for getting through it. Enjoy your break and we'll see you when we see you! :)

Penny said...

I love reading your blog..it brings back to many great memories of the days with my boys..I will look forward to reading your blog again..until then..enjoy!!! children are the best blessing from God ever!!