October 06, 2009

Help! My Motivation Has Fallen, and I Can't Seem to Find It!

YIKES!

I awoke this morning, stumbled to the bathroom, did my business, and stumbled back to bed, where I promptly fell back to sleep and awoke again at 7:30 when Capt Chaos pounded on our bedroom door to be let in (his normal morning routine). BB needed to be at work this morning by 9. I'm not entirely sure he made it on time...

Needless to say, I've got bread that needs to be put into pans, still have peaches to can, laundry to do, dishes to finish...and I'm sitting here in my chair, watching a rerun of What Not To Wear, listening to the kids washing their hands in the bathroom after Capt's potty trip (unprompted!), and wondering what to make for a quick and early dinner tonight.

I have Bible Study materials to review for tonight and tomorrow, I have a garden to clean out, now that the frost has hit for many nights in a row, we are well and truly done...sadly...but still, it's time, and I'm tired of my garden...which happens each fall...by the end of March I'll be antsy to turn over soil and start cool-weather crops in my greenhouse boxes...but for now, I'm so done with it.

I'm ready to be baking bread, making soup and stew, chili and casseroles, pot roasts...all those warm and cozy things you think of when the air turns crisp, and frost starts showing up in the mornings...

I'm also ready for someone else to come and take care of me for a little bit...not long, just a day you know? It would be nice to have someone come in, say to me "Hey, why don't you just go and do whatever you want to do...mani/pedi, haircut, nap, library, bookstore/coffeehouse? I'll stay here, do all your laundry, take care of the kids, and clean things up for you. Dinner'll be ready at 6, so don't be late getting home!"

Hey! That sounds like what my Mom would do...I wonder if I could convince to come take care of my house and children for a day so I could have a day off???? Not likely, I know...but a girl can dream can't she?!?!?!


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OK - I had an epiphany just a few moments ago...I was forcing myself to do things...trying to find my motivation....you know how it goes sometimes...that old saying "Fake it 'til you make it!"

So, back to my epiphany...

I was thinking "Why am I so frustrated today? What is wrong with me?" and it hit me...a two-fold thought, and in all honesty, here is the order in which they occurred to me:
  • I am feeling FAT. I am not fat. I am pregnant. However, I do not feel pregnant today. I feel fat. I do not have any tell-tale bulge, bump, lump, or hard spot. It is currently covered by some excess weight that I've been fighting to get rid of for some time now. I am wearing clothing that, when I put it up for the summer season, was loose. It is not. It is snug. Not uncomfortably so. Just mentally uncomfortably so. This will change, but I'm NOT going to buy clothes in a size bigger just so I can feel comfy for another 3 or 4 weeks before I have to wear my maternity clothes. So there.
  • I am frustrated with this, and realized that the reason I am feeling this way is that I haven't spent any time with God since last week. Well, that's not entirely true. I've been praying a lot for Inkling and her family, for a lot of reasons, which are hers to tell. I have not, however, been spending any time talking to God about myself...it's all been about my family, my friends...which, in and of itself, is not a bad thing...but I have to admit that sometimes, asking for things for myself is hard to do...oh I don't have issues praying for money, or material blessings, but when it comes to the things that are really important and deep, I can't seem to get in touch with God...I'm working on it...but I still have a long way to go.
SO, after this epiphany, I took a few minutes and stopped what I was doing, and talked with
God. Just a few minutes, and I felt so much better...I will do better at this...at remembering that I can talk to God anytime I need Him...and that I need Him so very often!

And now, that being typed out, I'm going to finish lunch with my children, and get back to work. After all, I've got a long list of things to accomplish this week!

After I do them all, there'll be new things to be done before March...I'm hoping that we can get a good routine and rhythm down with household chores, so that we can just sort of slide into having a new little person in our lives.

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