I have been dealing, over the last months, with this really nasty part of myself...it seems that my patience has run out. Every little thing that the children do wrong makes me want to scream and stomp and throw things (not at the children, don't worry on that front!). I actually found myself swearing in my head tonight, violently, when BB went upstairs while I was across the street caring for the neighbors' house and dog, and went to bed. Granted, he had a killer headache when he got home (an hour earlier than he normally does on Thursday nights), and the pain killers weren't yet working. I doped him up double, and let him eat in his chair in front of the TV (a huge no-no in our house), with the lights dimmed, and kept the kids quiet (hard to do with the bundles of energy that they are when they're awake). After dinner, they were sent in to clean up their toys while did the dishes and took care of the leftovers. I also bathed them and got them to bed, and then said I'd be back in a few.
Now, why would that make me want to scream and feel like chucking a big book at my hubby's head? Well...that leads to the other part of this post...
This pregnancy seems a bit more difficult thus far. The nausea isn't so bad, and I'm doing well with being able to eat the "right" things (as opposed to sitting down and eating a bag of chocolate chips). My energy, however, seems to come in totally random spurts...this morning, I snoozed on the couch while Tiny Princess napped, and Capt Chaos played quietly, watching PBS...for 2 1/2 hours.
I never do this. At least, until this pregnancy that is...over the last 3 weeks, I have done more things in less time than at any previous point in my life...
For instance, the other day, in the span of 2 hours I:
- scrubbed all 3 bathrooms from top to bottom
- changed all 3 beds
- cleaned all 3 bedrooms from top to bottom
- vacuumed all the carpet in my house
- dusted all the decoraty things and all the furniture in my house
- scrubbed my hardwood on hands and knees
- scrubbed my kitchen cabinets from top to bottom, inside and out
- did 2 loads of laundry (washed, dried, folded and put away)
- ironed 6 shirts
- made cookies
- cooked dinner
- mowed the front yard
However...the day before that, I did not a bloody thing but sit on my bum and watch TV. All. Day. Long.
I worked really hard again today, taking advantage of the energy that was surging through me, and I mowed our back yard, pulled all the weeds and rogue grass in our yard, front and back, picked more zucchini, and shooed some birds away from my strawberries. I did 4 more loads of laundry, made spaghetti sauce and meatballs, threw the ingredients into my breadmaker for bread to have with dinner, made this killer salad, cleaned everything which I had mussed during my domestic fit today, and when BB just sort of slumped into his chair, knowing that there was sink of dishes to be rinsed and put into the dishwasher, and the table to be wiped...and then to see that he'd gone to bed before 8 pm just sort of sent me off the deep end.
I will follow this up by saying that my husband does a stellar job of caring for me and the children...he works very hard at the office, putting in 12 hour days week after week, and somehow still finds time to play with the kids, teaching Capt Chaos how to play golf and baseball, reading book after book, singing song after song, and snuggling with the kids when he'd much rather be tuned in and zoned out to a baseball game or golf match...and then he logs in and works more after they go to bed. He mows, he weeds, he prunes, he paints, he scrapes, he builds...There is honestly a fabulous division between us when it comes to the workload of keeping up our house and caring for our family.
I know that my job as the stay-at-home parent has a longer task list than does BB...and I truly don't resent him or his schedule...that is why I am frustrated!!!!!!!
I love him to pieces, and while he has things that drive me batty at times, they are the not putting of clothes into the laundry bag to be washed, or leaving his coffee mug on his side table to days at a time before bringing it to the kitchen.
I love my children dearly, and there's not much I wouldn't do for them.
But recently, I just want to run away screaming.
And while I chalk it up to hormones and pregnancy...the truth is, I think sometimes I just need a vacation...the day I got my hair done in July was heavenly! I had a sitter come and take care of the kids that was not related to me...yes, I had to pay her...but when I got home, the kids were asleep, the toys were picked up, she'd washed and put away their lunch dishes...I honestly got to just sit around on my bum for 90 minutes doing NOTHING...and I was such a happier Mommy and wife for the next 2 weeks.
But magically, August 1, I turned back into this screaming bashee of a woman...short, snippy, mean...thinking mean thoughts, trying not to let the sarcasm and dry with enter my voice with the children or BB...but all the time thinking nasty things about my family.
I think I just need to have time wherein I only focus upon myself. Whether that be time to go to the library and sit in the chair in the big east reading area, soaking up morning sunshine and read trashy romance novels, or go by myself to Tar.get and get a pregnancy safe drink from Star.bucks and do the shopping at my own pace...or have a day to get a pedicure at the local Beauty Academy (which is cheap but great quality since they're being graded all the time)...I just need to remind BB that I need that time away from the house, away from the kids and him, not because I don't love them, but because I do love them, and want to be the best me I can for them.
Now that I've rambled on for a loooong time, and if you're still with me, am I crazy, or am I right in thinking that I just need some "Me Time"????
2 comments:
You are NOT CRAZY!! You need some time for you and some help around the house.You are expecting a baby and that brings weariness and hormones like nothing on earth - and you have other children to look after too.Ask for help. Take time. Does it matter if you don't scrub the bathroom today or vacuum today? Look after yourself and don't worry.You are not superwoman. You are very normal. S
I agree with Sarah. You definitely are NOT crazy. I was a single Mom to 4, no child support, no welfare, I worked outside our home. My 2 oldest set out on their own and then there were 2.. And then I was diagnosed with cancer.. I had the opportunity to take a good long look at my life and realized that it is definitely too short AND that I was more than Mom or wife or co-worker or sister or aunt.. I was ME! Long before I was any of those other titles, I was me and I deserved "me time." I thought back to my later teen years and early 20's when I truly pampered myself and I learned to pamper myself all over again and continue to do so, if not every day a little something, definitely on Sundays, all day Sunday. I think as women we get so caught up in being Mom and wife we forget who we started out being.. That being said, I love my children more than life itself, and now my grandchildren, and I loved my husband, still do, we're best of friends but as my daughter noticed how much happier I was and how much that happiness showed on my face, in my attitude, my home.. She said, "Mom, why weren't you you the whole time?! You're so cool now.." We laughed at that and in my mind I thought, "I always was.." =)
You are doing fine.. Kick back more often.. You're entitled.. =)
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