1 - I just read a post from a bloggy acquaintance about the hideous experience she had at her OB's office...which makes me SO glad that there are only 2 docs in my practice, and that the owner of the practice was so particular about finding someone that it's been over 2 years since her previous partner left the practice. It frustrates me that professionals of any sort feel that their title and/or experience gives them leave to be total asses about things to their customers/clients/patients. To me, it doesn't matter if you are a car salesman, the guy at the electronics store, or a doctor - you should treat the people who are giving you their custom with respect and courtesy. Period.
2 - How is it that someone can do all things mundane and trivial with great consistency, such as cooking and cleaning and laundry (and, no, I am not speaking of myself), but when something such as the totally out of the blue such as taking the car to the shop for a scheduled repair that the husband set up, but didn't reschedule when he found out he'd be travelling at the time of the appointment, and didn't tell her until the DAY OF, 15 minutes BEFORE it was supposed to be at the shop, which is 45 MINUTES from the house, he proceeded to yell at her on the answering machine, on her cell phone, through email, he even texted her a nasty message about how disappointed he was that she was so unorganized that she had to call to tell the shop she'd be late, would that be ok? (for the record, the shop said it would be fine, they were delayed by 3 hours, so could she just bring it around 3pm anyway, and they'd take her home via their shuttle, or get her a rental if that was necessary at no charge, and then they didn't charge her for the service, since they were so delayed that she was down to one vehicle for 10 days!) If that doesn't make sense, it is because I am steamed on my friend's behalf...her husband is not the choicest of men to begin with, and she is a saint to have stuck with their marriage for 15 years, 5 kids, and any number of hideous things which would have broken most women...but she is still there, still loving him (not that I'm a proponent of divorce or separation), raising her children to be Godly men and women, and she amazes me...but even she was a bit put out this time that he just kept harping on it. I know that some people (men and women alike) have issues with how they handle their own failure and disappointing important people in their lives, but really...to freak out and leave 19 messages in the course of 3 days which are screaming obscenities at your spouse? He refuses counseling (he says only weaklings need someone to tell them how to get over crap), he refuses to attend church with his family, he drinks heavily, he has strayed on many occasions, and actually tried to get her to let his mistress live with them as a "nanny" 3 years ago...but that's enough on that subject...
3 - I worked my tail off last week to get things cleaned up, put away, recycled, washed, dried, folded, ironed, scrubbed, polished, sorted, priced, cleaned, organized, swept, mopped, chopped, diced, steamed, fried and many other verbs that describe all the things which I completed last week. BB came home Thursday night, dropped his things in a trail from the door of the garage to the family room, the kitchen, the stairs, and our bedroom. Friday morning, I picked them up, put things where they belonged, and got the kids ready for their day. I made lunch for them and the sitter, did 4 loads of laundry, and we went to our doctor's appointment (whereing everything looks good, strong heartbeat etc), and then to lunch. At lunch, he actually looked at me and asked me when I thought I might be feeling better, because he was concerned about how I was falling behind on the housework. I know his motivation was noble and pure, but it came across as though I was slacking off, and sitting on my butt and sleeping (of which I've admittedly done some). I bit my tongue, counted to 10 about 10 times, and smiled and asked what exactly he meant by that. He explained that he'd noticed that the laundry had sat in the basket at the bottom of the stairs for several days, and that the kitchen floor had some sticky spots. It was about all I could do not to dump my Sierra M.ist on his head and leave the restaurant promptly, but I was able to keep it together, and simply said that I was working to keep things as much as I could, and that, if he was seeing things such as that, it would be better if he asked if I needed help with anything, rather than sit back and ask me when I'd be feeling better. We talked about it, and he apologized. A lot. Throughout the whole weekend in fact.
4 - I apparently pride myself too much on how I keep my house and what I feed my family, because my parents asked if I was going to have time after three kids to do the housework, or would I decide to delegate some chores to my husband. Which made me question myself internally as to whether or not I was complaining, or commenting too much on being busy or overwhelmed, or anything anywhere close to those...which then made me mad that I felt I had to examine my behavior because of a comment my parents made to me. Which then made me feel guilty for being disrespectful to my parents, if only mentally. Which then led to my feeling remorseful that I had jumped to a defensive reaction...which spiraled into a "let's not do a darn thing productive today" attitude yesterday.
5 - BB has been preaching about how we've had to sell some more stock to cover a credit card balance which had gotten a mite out of control (which it had indeed become), and that we need to be careful with our spending over the coming months and throughout 2010 so we can work harder toward becoming debt free (a huge weight on our minds right now, but I'll talk more about that later), and maybe put aside some money for a new car that will be efficient, but hold 3 car seats a diaper bag, and some sort of conveyance for an infant, a toddler, and preschooler (such as the double stroller and the sling). Not an issue, we are in agreement that we need to cut back wherever we can, so we can get to a point where we are only making the house payment as "recurring debt", and everything else is paid for with cash, or put on a card, and the card paid off immediately (for some reason, people don't like the idea of paying cash for a $500 visit to Costco, namely the cashiers). However, he had a little card that offered 15% off a purchase of $50 or more at his favorite woodworking store that he decided to use yesterday. Not an issue, as I know there are always things he needs from that particular place. The issue is that he proceeded to spend more than twice that amount AFTER the discount was applied. And I suppose that was not really the real issue. The real issue arose this morning when I mentioned that I was needing a trip for groceries, and he immediately went on about how I needed to stay on budget and I'd better make sure I meal-planned around what was already in our pantry and freezer. However, I must be more aware of using angry words and a mean voice, and I was able to stop from doing either. I smiled and said I was going to clip my coupons, take a quick inventory, and plan our meals accordingly, and only buy what we needed.
6 - In the very next comment, BB then said "Make sure you get enough things that you need to be eating, and don't worry about the budget". Ummmmmm....huh?
7 - Captain Chaos immediately turns into this whiny, angry child who fights everything I say as soon as BB walks out the door. I am attempting today to carefully reply and handle each situation, insuring that while Tiny Princess is awake that neither child is favored, and that the same consequences are faced regardless of the child that is deserving of them. I have been accused by my husband of playing favorites and being inconsistent in my disciplining of the kids. Whether or not I actually have is not the issue, so much as the perception I am casting.
8 - I want to go shopping for myself. Whether or not I buy myself anything or not is a moot point. I have some gift card to Kohl's, and I need some items, but I know that between now and March my body will be changing shape and weight, and that, after the baby is born, and I am able to lift weights and run and bike again, there will be permanent changes. SO...it makes no sense to spend my money of things until this time next year, when things will be a bit more stabilized on the down trend (as in, I'll have lost weight, and will be working out regularly again), so I know in my head that it makes sense to wait, but I'm tired of scruffy sneakers, shorts that are old enough that I don't remember if I bought them in high school or college, and 2 drawers full of T-shirts that are either stained (from the kids), have small holes getting bigger (from the cats), or flat out just don't fit. I'm tired of the once soft and fuzzy jammie pants that are worn through to the point of not being anything but the threads holding what were once the seams...but I know that it doesn't make sense to buy new things at this point. Maybe if I could find myself a really cute hat, or a new pair of sunglasses...or even a really cute pair of cheap shoes that I know I'll wear out in the next 6 weeks...SIGH
9 - I am tired of getting phone calls from BB asking for photos and information on things that we are attempting to sell because he has posted them on his company's unofficiall version of e-Bay with the barest of information. I am tired of this because he will send an email and then call before it even hits my inbox and wonder why I haven't replied to him yet. I am tired of it, because there will be a string of questions from the spouse of his coworker, and then, before we can answer those questions, we'll get MORE questions. But, when I write up what information should be in the post, he says "that's too much. no one will read this."
10 - I am tired of my house smelling like dirty dog but need a sitter to stay with the kids while I take the dog to the self-wash place across town (I refuse to lift my 100 pound dog into my bathtub, which he then scratches up with his claws).
11 - I am tired of my utility room being in disarray as a dropping ground for all things that come in for the car. I am tired of the wallpaper still not being removed, because the other things on my list are "more important". I am tired of the promise of a utility sink being unfulfilled because "they cost too much for the one you want". I am tired of a piece of furniture that we inherited from some friends that moved away 5 years ago still sitting in there, not being used as I intended and stated clearly many times over the years.
12 - I am tired of not being able to just go buy a freaking cabinet system from Tar.get or Cost.co, or Hom.e D.epot because my husband says he can build one for me for cheaper. I know he can, but I'm still waiting for my music cabinet to get finished (it was started 6 years ago, and is so close to being finished, I'm tempted to go out there and put the freaking stain and varnish on their my own self), and I don't want to wait an eternity to be able to put my things away.
13 - I am tired of being so whiny and complaining to myself, but I am also tired of feeling as though I am the last one on the list for anything at all...I bought BB a bunch of clothes as part of Fathers' Day, and was sort of hoping that he might get the hint and say I could get some things, but when I did get a few things (I draw the line at ratty undergarments) he freaked out that I spent $10.
14 - I am tired of my garden not producing because it has been so cool and wet this summer. I am afraid that we will have spent the money to grow tomatoes and cucumbers and carrots and squash and zucchini and onions that we won't be able to eat because they won't be ready for harvest before the first frost.
15 - I am tired of spending the weekend doing that which BB wants to do. He went to an Estate Auction Saturday, and was gone the better part of the day. We spent yesterday driving all over creation looking at animals at pet stores, the Humane Society, and then an hour at the woodworking store. He then wondered why, when the kids were napping, I went outside and worked on garage sale items and was a bit miffed when he sat around for 2 hours watching the golf tournament.
16 - I am tired of finding 6 new movies on our TiVo every morning because he is recording every movie that looks good or sounds good based on the title while we are getting 3 months of free movies from our satellite provider for an anniversary present.
17 - I am tired of having to watch 8 hours of back-to-back children's programming as we transfer things to DVD so "the kids can watch when we go places".
18 - I am tired of being censured for recording 3 shows each week, that I watch while I iron, or in spurts as I sit and fold the clothes while the kids nap each day.
19 - I am tired of being the sole decision-maker when it comes to meal planning and then being asked by my husband "Oh, we're having that tonight?" but only telling me "whatever you want to make sounds good to me" when I ask if there's anything special he'd like me to put on the menu...
I think that is more than enough whining for one day.
I now intend to go make some lunch for Captain Chaos and myself (Tiny Princess is napping), and then, once the kids take their naps, I'll go finish pricing things in the garage, and try to clean my family room. Again.
I am not looking for advice, or pity...I just needed some space to vent.
SO - before anyone comes in and says I should have a talk with BB, or I should not feel guilty about taking time for myself...I know all that. I am not unhappy with the division of responsibilities in my home. I know that there are consequences for our actions, and that we don't always get what we want, and we should put others before us.
I just needed to let off some steam.
I'll be back to my normal happy self later on today. You might not even have to wait until tomorrow to read about it.