July 22, 2009

My Apologies

First and foremost to you, my readers for the previous post, and my whiny-ness...

Secondly to BB for being whiny, complaining, ungrateful, and difficult to live with these last 2 weeks.

Thirdly, to my babies, for being cranky, short-tempered, stand-offish, and flat-out mean.

OY! Well...apparently, I should have read a few of my favorite blogs before I vented all that steam and ugliness earlier today...I just came from one of my favorite bloggers, who had linked to a post from a different, heretofore unknown to me blogger from a few weeks back, musing on the definition of "at-home parent"...and I will just say that I am sitting here with a big, fat humble pie in front of me right now, and that I actually did call BB at work and apologized to him for being the way I'd been the last 2 weeks...no excuses, no saying "I'm just so tired" or "the hormones" or any other excuses I could have easily fallen into using. Just an apology, heartfelt, sincere, honest.

I hugged on my babies, and loved them, and am now apologizing to you...

The gist of this post, to which I shall not be linking you, is that becoming a parent requires only that we raise our children to be good individuals, within our belief system. This requires a multitude of things that are intangible, such as love, time, attention, interest, education and the like. It also requires that one or both parents take their child-raising and turn it into currency, as the means to the end of raising the children - food, clothing, education, insurance...the writer goes on to state that the parent that is at home, rather than at work bringing in currency, is also therefore responsible for the environment in which those children will be raised - clean floors and counters, food on the table, clothes on their backs that are clean...

And so...after feeling convicted to the quick, I am aware, and have been fully aware of the division of physical labor that BB and I decided upon finding out we were expecting Captain Chaos and decided that I'd not be returning to work after his birth, but staying home to be "just" a mom.

I have been resentful of BB these last weeks, that he comes home from a 10-hour workday to sit upon the couch and watch TV while I make dinner and wrangle children, wash dishes, fold laundry, scrub floors and the like...resentful that he sits doing nothing while I work hard on our house...resentful that he sleeps an hour longer than I do each morning...resentful that the only reason he gets a lunch every day is because I make it for him. Resentful that he leaves his dirty clothes on the floor by our bed, rather than taking the extra steps to our closet to deposit them into the dirty clothes hamper...or leaves his dishes around, or his tools, or his envelopes from mail opening...resentful that I have somehow become the sole person doing all the work in the house, and much of it outside, along with keeping the books for our family and planning events...

I stopped asking him how his day was and truly listening to him. I stopped caring if I was clean and rested when he came home, ready to be his friend and beloved. I stopped looking to see that his needs, emotional, physical and mental were being met at home first...I stopped caring if he came to Church with us on weekends, because the last times we tried to go as a "whole" family, we had fights leaving 3 of us in tears, and one of us in stony silence...

I was going to describe a typical day in our household here...but the important thing about our days is this:
BB gets up and goes to work EVERY weekday, working 8 - 12 hours, often times coming home and working after dinner, into the late hours of the night. He is gone from home, missing the kids and their interactions, missing steps and milestones...missing time snuggled on the couch or in the rocker reading books with sticky children and purring cats...

I get the joy and delight of being the one that sees the steps, hears the words, watches Tiny Princess feed apple juice to her baby doll, or pat the cats, chase the dogs, and snuggle with me after her nap is over...

I get the excitement of deciding what to create to nourish my husband's and children's bodies at each meal. I am responsible for making sure that we are clean, well-presented, that the kids say please and thank you, and that the house is something of which BB can be proud, that will be in good repair for years to come...

SO - I guess what I'm saying is that I got my kick in the pants, and am now ready to get back to my "job" of being the wife and mom and to be joyful about it.

1 comment:

Bonnie said...

I needed to read this too. Thank you for posting it. It is so easy to be overwhelmed with the "joys" of motherhood. I have to admit that DH helps me a great deal. We are blessed that he has the kind of job (a pastor) that allows him to be more flexible with his office hours than the normal working Daddy. My goal is to make his time at home more enjoyable and less about helping me, but with two babies under two--I wouldn't have made it through this last year without his help.

Hope you love your new coffee table and all of the other many blessings in your life. We have 1 bath area and 1 toilet (two separate rooms) and I would kill to have 3 bathrooms, much less an extra vehicle. I guess a nice house, two vehicles, etc. are kind of like being a Mom--the more we are blessed with, the more work it takes to care for it all. You are a true inspiration! Thank you for sharing your beautiful blog!

Blessings--Bonnie