Oh, the silence, the soft music, the scent of aromatherpay wafting through the air, clean, sagey...the soft robe, the slippers...the cups of herbal tea, cold water, the massage, the mud mask...the pdicure...swirling water around your calves...mmmmmm...sounds heavenly, doesn't it?
Well...I did get a massage...but it was a scalp massage...after I had color worked in...and tried to corral the kiddos in the salon this morning...
I am not complaining...it was a nice appointment, I totally love the color...and mom and I got the chance to chat, and take turns reading books to the children, and feeding them snacks, and picking up toys...
I would much rather have spent the morning at a spa, being pampered, sans children, but alas...the best I could do was to take the kids along with me while I got my hair colored and cut, and mom got hers permed...
It worked out...it was good...the salon was quiet...mom and I were able to both get what we needed done, and still have time to interact with the munchkins...
Someday, however, I will make BB understand that I need some time away from everyone...
Saturday, he took Captain Chaos out and hit a bunch of garage sales. He said "I thought I'd take the boy with me, so you can just spend a quiet day playing with Tiny Princess, and do whatever you wanted"...he meant well, and it was nice...I only had one child to worry about...but I would much rather have appreciated it if he'd said "go, do whatever you want, and I'll stay home and take care of the kids"...
Ah well...that was capped by last night's episode...it was our anniversary yesterday, as well as Captain's 3rd birthday...I had purchased a card and gift for BB weeks ago...concert tickets to one of his favorite bands...He called me from the store, where he was stopping to get lunch meat, and said "I'll be home in a little bit"...45 minutes later, he walked through the door with a bouquet of flowers, a card, and a bag with a DVD in it...it was the store bag...and the movie was one I had said I didn't want to see...ever...but! he remembered to bring me something.
I am trying really hard not to complain, or talk badly about him, but sometimes it just gets a little hurtful to feel forgotten, or taken for granted...which is sort of how I've felt the last month or so...
I know that he's busy, I know that he's stressed, I know that he's got a list of things a mile long that he's trying to take care of...but...don't you sort of think that planning to buy something for your anniversary, rather than waiting until the last 15 minutes before heading home from the office?
SIGH...it's not that I'm not grateful...just sort of mulling over the seemingly sudden change in attentiveness from him...I know nothing is happening, nothing is going on per se...it just stinks that we went from being at the top of each other's list of priorities, to somewhere down the list, slightly below "floss teeth", but well above "organize sock drawer"...
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OK - I'm sorry I got so whiny yesterday...it truly is not that I feel neglected, or suspicious, or anything like that...it just struck me as sort of ironic that after we talked with 3 other couples about respect and emotional connections, that our anniversary would happen the way it did...more that "ha-ha" sort of thing like Nelson on The Simpsons you know?
I know that BB loves me...sometimes, he just doesn't do such a good job communicating that to me...I know part of it is the type of home in which he was raised. I also know that most men (not all) are not very good at communicating and demonstrating their affection and feelings.
I just think it odd that for the first 5 years of our marriage elaborate plans were concocted, flowers delivered from the florist, truly planned-for gifts were purchased...and now, it's like remembering that it is a special day just doesn't happen.
I am not looking for expensive gifts (although I wouldn't turn down something spendy), just something that had some more thought than "oh shoot! I'd better stop on the way home from work and grab something!"...I'd rather not get anything at all than something half-planned you know?
BB is truly a good man, and more often than not (the majority of the time, in fact) he is involved, active, connected...
Mom put it well the other day when I was out with her...it is my job as the wife, and mother, especially now that my only job is wife and mom, to keep the house and not complain about how he doesn't help out as much as I'd like. It may sound like a throwback to June Cleaver and Doris Day...but seriously...if I'm the one at home, not having to leave and go work for someone else, what else should I be doing? I know I need to care for the kids - feed, bathe, nurture, educate. I know I need to care for my husband...but if he has a job that he does every day, for many hours a day, that pays our bills, then my job, my responsibility is to make the rest of his world as comfortable as possible...that entails doing the laundry, cleaning the house, cooking the food...and sometimes it spills over into "get oil changed", "mow lawn", "take dog to vet with 2 kids in tow"...and other such items...
Is it easy? NO. Is it "fair"? Ummmm...yes, actually it is! Look at it this way - he goes out, spends the day doing work for a company that pays him, but over which he really doesn't have any control...he answers to someone else, that someone else determines if he is doing a "satisfactory" job, but he doesn't make any decisions other than "will I do my best?" and "what is best in this situation?" He shouldn't have to come home to find out that there are toys, books, clothes, shoes, newspapers, magazines and dishes scattered throughout the house, covering the dust and muck that accumulate. If his job is to go and work on computer "stuff"ever day, then my job is to make sure that the "company" that is my house and family are well-run...
Do I get paid for this job? Not with money. But tell me this...can you beat the satisfaction of knowing that you've worked hard to get laundry washed, dried, folded and put away, scrub floors and bathrooms, cook a healthy meal, save money, teach your 3-year-old how to count past 20 and your 18-month-old how to use a fork and spoon to eat? Can you really, honestly tell me that having those children, who 15 minutes earlier were screaming like banshees, and running around like two tornadoes and now are clean, and calm and snuggled into your lap to hear "My Monster Mama Loves Me So" for the 80th time doesn't make up for the hard work and lack of pay?
It does for me...
Do I sometimes wish for a "corporate career"? Yes. Does that make me a bad person? No. Sometimes, it just means that I'm not content with where I am...it doesn't make me evil, or lousy, or bad...I just know that sometimes the grass looks a whole lot greener on the other side of the fence between SAHM and Career Mom...but I also remember that the other side still has weeds and cow patties to watch out for...
I guess what I'm saying is that sometimes, it is easy to fall into the pattern and spiral of discontent with where you are...wherever that may be. It is easy to fall into resenting the fact that your hubby gets to leave the house for a job, and be away from the same questions and same shows, and same books every day...It is easy to get caught up in talking badly about our situation, our spouse, our children, our family, our finances...
One thing I'm learning to work on with every thought I have, is to stop and think about what is truly causing my "ickies"...am I truly resentful of the 900th time that Captain Chaos asks me to watch Thomas & Friends when I know that I should be up and getting activity into my day rather than sitting on my duff watching an episode of NCIS that I've seen a dozen times, or, am I just needing to find the silver lining?
Teach yourself to be an optimist! Find a way to be "Little Miss Sunshine" or the cheerleader in your family...if you don't, who will?
3 comments:
the boy needs to be fireproofed!
BIGTIME!!
I do agree with almost all of what you have said..but hubby really needs to not take advantage of the precious gift he has at home..YOU!!! I have seen too many couple go down the drain because one of them is not totally grateful to have the other in their life. I have been divorced twice, my first husband was a work all the time farmer and I did everything at home..I wanted to have friends, he didnt..I wanted to do things with him, he didnt..so it ended..we had 2 boys who were 2 and 4 at the time..the second time I married it was for financial security and that was dumb!!! Now, I have the most amazing husband that I know in my heart God had planned for me all the time. He tells me EVERYDAY more that several times a day how much he loves me and I do the same for him...Good husbands are hard to find and good wives are just as few...so make sure you both realize just what you have and remind each other lots and lots how much you are so happy that God brought you together, made your family and how much you love each other so much!!!
I found your blog through Ang. I just wanted to say Bravo! I want to be happy with my life for all of the same reasons you mention in this post. Everyday I seek to meet that goal. Choosing to be happy is a big part of it. Counting your blessings as my grandmother would say. You sound blessed--even when BB doesn't remember your anniversary like he did a few years back. Thank you for reminding me today how blessed I am and how my job is the best one in the world!
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