While the world sleeps away tonight, I am restless...plagued with a mind that I cannot stop from whirling and bouncing around from thought to thought, like a pinball machine.
I read a post on a blog just now talking about how she has shaped her life, and what she feels is the reason behind her feelings of contentment right now...and it made me wonder something about myself.
I often find myself wondering how women can go back to the corporate world after their children are born? I know that for some it is necessity, financially speaking...and I know for some, they would rather not be anything other than Career Barbie...the great clothes, with the matching accessories, the car, the briefcase, the corner office...but really...those women are most often the ones that I hear complaining about how they never have time...they are so busy running around to dance lessons, soccer practice, the gym, the cleaners, the bank, the grocery store, the recital, the board meeting, and oh-by-the-way-we-have-company-for-dinner...and yet, it seems that they never take a moment to know their own families.
I have a friend, for example, who is almost done with another term of school...I'm proud that she is graduating with her degree...I am proud that she's overcome a lot in her marriage...that she and her husband worked together to overcome issues that would have made a lot of people walk away. They have a beautiful daughter...and her comment the other day to me was "We're done. I finally convinced my husband that one was more than enough."
And I thought to myself how sad it made me...that she would feel burdened by her own child. They had no difficulty in conceiving, they've never wanted for anything materially...she's had a very easy life, showered with love, affection, things...trust me, I know her family...I know that she does not come from any dysfunctional family at all! She is beautiful, her husband is gorgeous, they are healthy, fit, golden, and their little girl is the same...hair like cornsilk, eyes the color of cornflowers...she should be a model...she's smart as a whip, funny, imaginative, adorable...and yet, her mother talks about her like she can't wait for her to grow up so they can be best friends...
I hate seeing people like that...that treat their families as a burden, as something holding them back...I know, because I saw several friends grow up resenting their parents, resenting the life that they chose over their children over and over again...how tee times with the guys from the office were more important than the soccer game on Saturday mornings, how flying with his business partner in the private twin engine was a better thing to do than attend the dance recital in which she had the solo...and I see those same friends now - stellar parents...still having their hobbies and interests, but always, always making their children aware of how loved they are, how important they are...
And I stop and think to myself...do Captain Chaos and Tiny Princess know? Do they know that there are times I cry thinking of how much I love them? How much they mean to me? How empty life seemed before they were born? How much I look forward to seeing them grow up? How their daddy and I pray all the time for the wisdom to teach them, to guide them, to lead them by our example?
And I wonder if I smother them...hugging, snuggling, wrestling, reading, singing, playing, talking, patting the couch next to me so Captain Chaos will settle in against me, listening to a story, asking me to sing a song for him...can we go outside, can play this game, can we read this book...
And I wonder...do people really truly think of children as burdens?
And I wonder, am I the odd one, or are they?
1 comment:
This is a very interesting post and a hard one to answer honestly.I have 2 boys who I adore.My life without them is unimagineable.But if I am going to be honest, being their mum has been the hardest thing I have ever done.There have been times when I resented them.Without them I would still have a job that people respected me for, a nicer house, nicer clothes, holidays.Without them I would be 2 stone lighter and I would not have had to sacrifice everything for them.I give everything for them...my love, my time, my care.I have thought of them as burdens.But I know how fortunate I am to have them.2 healthy, intelligent, happy boys who adore my husband and I.I don't know if I could carry on if anything ever happened to them.Without them I would be miserable.With them I have been miserable - going through PND twice.But I felt that having children was the reason I was put on the Earth and when I couldn't have my first son for 3 years of trying, it was awful.So, maybe its a mixture.Life is never easy.I would never ever let them know how hard it has been or how I have felt about them.I want them to be loved and secure.I envy people like you who enjoy their children so much and give so much.I am a pretty selfish person when it comes down to it.There. Rambled enough now.Sarah x
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