Call to Action

Case in point:

Today, BB had a team-building event with work. It was a picnic at a local park (see below), and I was invited by him to bring the children and some lunch, as he was unsure about the food situation. SO...while Tiny Princess was napping, I cleaned up from breakfast, took care of the normal household-y things I do every morning like sweeping the kitchen floor, running the vacuum in the family room, moving the laundry from one "station" to the next to keep the flow going, and then I ran upstairs, put on my face, did my hair, and came downstairs, got the Captain into his shoes, plopped him in front of the TV to watch some "Super Why!", and began packing a lunch. Normally, this would be no large issue, I would make myself a sandwich, cut up some fruit, throw some slices of lunch meat into a bag, toss in some string cheese, a bag of fish crackers, and some dessert-y type thing. HOWEVER...as Tiny Princess is asserting her independence and insisting on feeding herself more and more often, I was at a loss as to what to take for her...and Captain Chaos hasn't had much appetite since dinner last night, so wasn't sure what he might be tempted to partake of...

SO, I put 4 slices each of ham and turkey into a container, along with 4 slices of low-fat colby cheese. I cut up an apple, and peeled and sectioned 2 oranges, tossed in a couple of cheese sticks, and some sugar-free pudding cups. I filled up my Nal.gene with ice and water, tossed in some utensils, and loaded up the kids and went.

I was feeling down, dejected, flat out ugly. You know, when you are struggling with a really bad body-image day...nothing seems to fit right, or be flattering, your hair doesn't seem to cooperate, your face freaks out and you feel all blotchy and oily and gross, no matter what you do...I was sort of mad that BB wanted me and the kids there, because it was in the middle of the day, and I had things to do, and Captain Chaos could play outside without having to waste time and gas, and we'd only get to be there part of the day, and the list went on and on and on...

I arrived, parked, unloaded the kids and the little cooler, and we walked to the shelter where there were about 12 people. It was breezy and as we were in the shade, cold. The kids hardly ate anything at all, I ate my lunch, trying to ignore the smells of BBQ, baked beans, rolls, and the site of the lovely "cake" brownies...German Chocolate Cake Brownies, Black Forest Cake Brownies, Double Chocolate Delight Brownies...gooey and covered with sweet frosting and chocolate shavings and drizzles...it is a good thing that the person who organized the event underestimated how many they'd be feeding and I'd brought food.

I was the only spouse there, and the kids were the only kids there...It was awkward to say the least, and I was a bit put out that BB didn't see any issue with it...

And then, as we wandered over the playground after all his co-workers left, I realized that I was awfully blessed...here I was complaining that we were the only "family" there, and it hit me that it wasn't because the others hadn't invited their spouses to bring the children, but because all of the other spouses were either working or taking care of someone else's children! They weren't there because they couldn't be there...

Now, that didn't snap me out of my mood, because I'm still dealing with the fact that someone has told me that I must lose weight...it is no longer my idea of being "good" or "proactive"...someone told me that I'm in a dangerous place and I have to change my ways or be totally responsible for what happens if I don't.

I never thought of myself as a blame-passer, but somehow, it is easier to think of myself as trying really hard to lose weight but not being able to because of something...whatever that nameless something might be...it's just easier to say I'm failing right now because of something I don't have control over.

NOW...let me assure you that I have taken a hard look at my habits, and really paid attention today to what I wanted to put in my mouth...not that which I actually put into my mouth, but all the crap that I wanted to eat...the brownies, the Girl Scout Cookies that are in the freezer, the hard candy in the jar on my counter...Captain Chaos' potty training jelly beans...the microwave popcorn, the graham crackers...heck, even just to open the bottle of chocolate syrup that sits in the waaaayyyy back of the fridge was screaming out my name today...

I am lazy when it comes to working out. I stayed in bed this morning, rather than get up and work out, because I wanted to stay in bed, enjoying the silence, and the ability to sleep past 5 am. I came home, put the kids down for a nap, and instead of going outside to work in my garden, or walk on the treadmill, or do laundry, I sat down and read. An entire book. In 2 hours.

I know we all have off days, where things are a struggle, but don't you think that maybe, just maybe I'd have been motivated to make some progress before I have to see the nutritionist so I can say "look what I've been doing, and this is what it's done for me so far...what do you think needs to be changed?"?????

OH NO! Not me...I'm sitting here right now, waiting for it to be the right time to take my medication with a healthy snack dying, and wishing I could just go to the freezer and eat the entire stinking box of cookies...with some chocolate syrup to dip them in...followed by a big old glass of chocolate milk...or maybe sneaking to the drive through at Ta.co B.ell for a late night spicy food fix...

SO...I'm sitting here, telling anyone that might read this, that I need to be kept accountable. I need the motivation, knowing all of you are looking out for me to be doing the right thing, making those good choices about activity and food...

SO...I'm starting a new blog...it will be private, so you'll have to ask nicely to be let in, wherein, I shall be following the example of darling Ang, and posting my food intake, my measurements, my weight, my activity, and my struggles.

Feel free to come on over and join me, and make sure I stay on track!