November 06, 2012

Attitude, They Say, is Everything

I must agree on this part...completely, 100% in agreement...

SO...that said, let me explain for you because I know you're just dying inside to hear my ezplanation of my goofy, warped, twisted logic!!!

I have been looking back over the last almost 3 years since Littlest One's arrival, and what I found was dismaying, to say the least...

I discovered that I have been incredibly selfish - I have been staying at home since Captain was born - I have been able to work on my own schedule, at my own pace, enjoy my own self-imposed rules and regulations regarding laundry, cooking, cleaning, errands, "me" time...and I was frustrated with BB for not seeing when I "needed" his help...when in all reality, with the exception of a few weeks of recuperating from 2 more C-sections, I haven't really needed his help with my responsibilities.  I've not had any major illnesses keeping me laid up.  I was never on bed rest or restrictions during my pregnancies, and have never even travelled away from the family for more than a few hours at a time by myself, with the exception of 2 weekend retreats in the last 6 years - one was 2 nights, and the other was one night.

I have been able to amply provide food and care items for my family - I never had to scrimp and save just to get enough on the table.

I've had my ups and downs - legitimate times of frustration and justified moments of snarly face making...legitimate from the world's perspective anyway...

You see, I've made another startling discovery about myself...I grew up in the Church.  Sunday School lessons, flannelgraphs, popsicle stick crafts, Bible Verse finding contests, memory verse contests, potlucks, VBS, camp, lock-ins, choir, sermon notes...but inasmuch as I learned everything, and could spit out facts and quote Scripture verses, somewhere along the way I stopped putting it in my heart, and living it out...if I ever actually was doing that.

I had one of those moments of awe when I was about 12 - where you have confirmed all that you're learning - that you just know that it is truth.  That moment of conviction.  I was a pre-teen emotional girl - there were tears and verbalized declarations of life-changing commitments...and somehow, as life went on, I never knew what I needed to keep myself in that place - the learning, the studying, the digging - needing others around me to keep me in the routines and and habits of learning and the like.

And fast forward 25 years (yes, I said 25 years)...and here I am, on the far side of a hideous situation with my husband...

And I finally get it - my attitude needs to be selfless, thinking of everyone else before me.  That isn't to say that I'm not caring for myself - I'm eating healthily, getting rest...and even making sure I'm exercising, and spending time every day in the Word, praying, studying...

BUT, rather than being disgruntled when I'm needed by someone, I'm happily (sometimes forced) responding to them - engaging with them, looking them in eyes, stopping what I'm doing whenever possible to make sure I'm listening to them, and caring for them.  I'm still teaching them delayed gratification, and manners, and respect...but I'm doing my job as at-home parent and spouse joyfully - knowing that this is indeed what I'm supposed to be doing right at this moment - I'm supposed to be doing laundry and ironing, cooking, cleaning, planning meals, shopping, being a wise steward of our money, making sure that our home is a safe, healthy place to be, and that I'm teaching my children how to be kind, caring, compassionate, respectful adults.  That they are learning to about God, and the kind of men and women they ought to be in His plan...

I don't know if that makes any sense...and I know that some of my friends are in troubling times also, and I'm not trying to be condescending...I just realized that a lot of things in my world are better when I choose to be joyful...when I choose to put others before myself...

Sure, the kids still frustrate me with their whining and complaining and fighting.  Yes, BB still makes me crazy with the way he hasn't changed any of his habits regarding what he does with the opened mail, or his dirty clothes, and the way that he still comes home at the end of his 10 hours out of the house at the office and plunks himself down in his La-Z-Boy and proceeds to sit there until its time for bed.

But I realized that no matter what - this is what I signed on for...this - the endless cycle of cleaning and cooking and laundry, and wiping faces and hands and noses and hugging and kissing and tucking in, and and loving...

And it is this that I know - I am in the place where God wants me.  That may change, but today, I am content in what He has for me.

No comments: