October 29, 2012

Struggling On

These last days were alright...BB and I talked, we've an appointment for Wednesday night with a Lay Counselor from our Church...things seemed better, as though we were getting to the point where things weren't so raw, so gaping...and after we attended Church (we go to Saturday night service), we spent an uneasy evening together - both of us affected, but not quite finished processing all we'd been through, and all we'd been mulling over, stewing in...

Dinner was stilted, conversation existed only between the children and each of us individually, not between he and I...

Sunday morning dawned, and, amazingly, the kids were still sleeping at 8 when I awoke, after 10 long, uninterrupted hours of blissful, dreamless sleep...

BB and I rarely have that morning time to be in bed together to discuss things, just to talk, or, play Scrabble...and BB finally talked, finally opened up, and we were able to converse...to communicate, to convey all the hurt and betrayal and anger, but in a way that was simply an explanation, not a discussion, not an argument, not even a little bit of hurt in our voices.  I was impressed...it was great!

Then, I realized that afternoon that I'd misplaced my debit card, and instead of telling him right away, called the location I knew I'd been when I last had it, and got distracted by the simple matter of life with 3 kids, and never got around to telling him.  Somehow, the people with whom I'd spoken called his phone this morning, not mine, and off he went into another session of angry words, hurt, betrayal, telling me I wasn't committed to our marriage...

I know there are so many things going on other than the financial part, and it's just what opened it all up...it was the tipping point, and now, it's all spilled over, and there's no putting it back...all we can do is clean it up, and try to move on and fill our lives back up with good and wholesome and trusting and loving and communicating...

Continued prayers are much appreciated.  I know not all of you are praying people, but I'd sure appreciate some intercession in large amounts...

I don't relish the idea of our marriage being irrevocably broken, but all I can do is change MY actions and thoughts, and behaviors, not his.  He's in control of that, and no amount of wishing can make him put himself into this relationship 100%...

It will really take some miraculous Divine intervention at this point for things to heal and us to rebuild.  Which is what I desire - a whole, healthy, healed family...

1 comment:

Penny said...

I am still praying for you both...marriage is very hard and tons of work, but so worth it!! Keep God as the center and keep talking ....