A New Sort of Normal

Things around here have taken a decidely tense and negative turn...

You may recall, not so long ago, that I wrote of debt being racked up?  Well, as it turns out, there was more that was hidden...much more.  As in 1/3 of BB's annual salary before taxes more...

Now that it's out in the open, and we are dealing with repaying said debt, things are a bit better.  However, in order to pay off the debt, we had to drain our 3-month emergency fund.  And we still have debt to pay.  Plus our mortgage and regular living expenses.  We are no longer able to talk about putting money aside for birthday gifts or Christmas gifts for BB and I.  The kids will have a meager Christmas this year, with only things I've squirrled away from amazing sales and generous grandparents and uncles...

There are hurting hearts, betrayed people, a real mess of emotions...

We are, rest assured, seeking counseling through our Church.  My concern is that there's no way we can afford the $50 or $90 sessions with actual degreed counselors and so, are starting with "Lay People"...

My concern at this point is not how we'll recuperate financially.  We've done an amazing job in 32 months, we can do it again, in less time than that.  It means I have to get a job, which is difficult, because I can't do something during the daytime and make enough money to pay off debts and start saving AND pay for childcare, which means that I must work a part-time evening/night and weekend job around BB's schedule.

My concern is that anytime we've had disagreements for the past 18 months or so, BB's answer to me in his frustration is "Then I guess we're done."

I know that I don't want my marriage to end for any reason other than one of us being dead.  I am in this, heart, mind, soul...only slightly less than my relationship with God.

What I'm worrying about is that we'll go through counseling, and work through issues that brought this habit into play, work through the communication, get over the fear, put aside doubts, and as I'm beginning to rebuild a real marital relationship with BB, he'll simply decide he can't or won't do it, and walk away.

Please be praying for us - that we'll be able to heal and work through this together with the same fervor, the same level of desire for healing, and that we'll find a finanaical way to fix this as well with as little impact as possible on our families.

Because of our school schedule, day care/babysitting during the daytime is difficult.  Because of the economy, no one is wanting to host Mary Kay parties around here.  Our basement is in shambles due to construction, which makes personal training clients difficult.  I suppose I could do house cleaning, but what would I do with Littlest One while I'm at houses twice a week?  And how much could I actually make in 6 hours of housecleaning?

I'm looking at working at one of our restaurants that has an amazing sports bar...but I'm not sure 2 weeknights, and weekends would net me enough in tips to make a difference.  I could get a job as a cashier at our local chain grocery that is open 24 hours, but working from 4pm-12am 2 nights a week, and 6pm -2am 2 nights a week would be good for the kids, or for my physical health.  We don't have any large offices  in our town that could require after-hours cleaning services, although I'd totally do it, if I thought it would earn me enough money.

I don't relish the thought of taking a job outside my house to pay for someone else's mistakes, but I suppose that is part of being a grown-up, and, more importantly, what it's like to be a Christian - God gave his Son to pay for my sins, so I guess I need to remember that - He paid for my wrongdoings when He didn't have to, because He wants me to be with Him forever...

Logically, then, it follows that if I want a relationship with BB to stick around for earthly lifetimes, I need to suck it up and figure out a way to help our family get financially right...