November 27, 2011

Wishing and Hoping...But Not Holding My Breath

Today, I'm fighting a little bit of sadness, and more than a little bit of jealousy...

You see, (WARNING!!! TMI to follow), this morning I started my period. Normally, as a PCOS sufferer, that's a cause for rejoicing, because it means a smaller chance of cysts. It means things are "normal" with my body.

Today, however, it made me a little bit sad. I've been reading along, waiting anxiously for Ordinary Sarah's announcement that Baby #5 has been safely welcomed into the world. I've been watching a former schoolmate of mine, who remarried last fall, as her FB posts have gotten giddier and giddier about welcoming a new baby (born right before Thanksgiving!), and as other friends and acquaintances (and yes, even random strangers with pregnant bellies evident) are growing and showing, and welcoming, I'm just a tiny bit more sad each day that passes.

BB thought 2 was enough. He loves all 3 of our children immensely and intensely. He is such an amazing Daddy...

However, he is quite adamant in his statements that "3 is it! We are done! No MORE!"

Me? Well, I came from a big family. I still feel as though someone is missing from around our table at meals.

I often catch myself listening for an infant's cry signaling that someone needs to be fed, changed, or just rocked.

Littlest One has firmly entrenched herself in Toddlerhood - she runs everywhere, loudly proclaims "No, Mama! No help me!", and proceeds to do a pretty darn good job for a 20-month old in whatever she's attempting to do. She crawls up the stairs, scoots down feet first on her bottom, takes off and puts on socks, cuddles her babies, climbs into her chair and rocks, uses her utensils to feed herself (quite neatly, for the record), and has a vocabulary to rival many 4 year olds...She brings me books and demands to read to me, and then proceeds to turn the pages so gently while telling me her version of the story. She is singing songs, dances, and is more than ready for potty-training.

Even before we got to this point, so evidently no longer a baby, I was ready for another one...

And at this point, while I'm ecstatic for my friends who are gaining family members, I know that it is most definitely NOT in BB's plans to expand our family.

I know it's in God's hands, and that He'll make it evident to us about growing our family more, and if so, how that will happen...

But I celebrated my 36th birthday a few weeks back. And while I can honestly say that NEVER before have I heard that proverbial ticking clock, I most assuredly now!

In fact, I think it sounds more like the digital clock sound from "24"...signalling that something is coming to an end...

Pray for us - that God would speak clearly to us about our family's size. That if He wants it to grow, He'll make it abundantly clear to us how that will happen, and when.


I don't know - maybe we should just get a puppy...

1 comment:

Layla said...

Tell me about it. No sooner did i have a miscarriage than FOUR of my friends announced their pregnancies. It was kind of a kick in the nose, even if it has absolutely nothing to do with me! I still feel a twinge, because I would have been as far along as about two of them are now. Sucky poo. Anyway, I guess what is meant to be, will be! For both of us.