June 16, 2011

What Would You Do?

I've been thinking a lot lately about the decisions I've made in my not-so-short life. You know, things like "why wasn't I nicer to that girl in elementary who ended succumbing to cancer?" and "What was I thinking dating that guy?"

And I started wondering...if I could go back and relive my life, would I actually make different decisions? Would I be nicer to people, keep my mouth shut and my ears open? Be more sensitive to the needs and hurts of those around me? Go on that missions trip to Tijuana? Date that guy, wear that outfit, kiss that boy?

I know that if I hadn't made those decisions, I wouldn't be who I am now...but then, I have days when I really wonder if I like who I am now.

Do I really like the loud, passionate , crazy, goofy, woman that I am?

Some days I don't. I don't like that I talk too much. Or too loudly. Or that I override people and don't listen to them. Or that I yell at my kids because they want to sit on my lap when I don't want to be glommed on. Or that I push my husband away because I just don't feel attractive. Or that I complain about being out of shape but then I sit on my butt and eat tortilla chips and watch TV...

It's tough sometimes, hearing people say what a good mom/wife/sister/daughter/person I am...and knowing that there are days when I send my kids to the basement to play and practically throw food down the stairs so they stay down there to allow me some time to pretend I'm not a mom of three kids aged 5 and under...

So I ask, what would you do if someone came and told you that you could go back and live life over again, knowing now what you didn't know then?


Inkling said...

You know, I have a lot of regrets about stupid choices I made as a kid and young adult. But every time I go back and think about making even one change, it sets off a whole domino effect that would change where I am today.

Do I wish I could have skipped out on the heartbreak and depression from all that sinning I was doing when I just wanted to feel loved? Heck yeah. But do I know how to go back in time and fix that without losing something else good? Nope.

I do wish I hadn't chickened out on that spring formal, worn that purple dress, and gone out with the guy who drove that yellow bug, simply so I wouldn't have hurt his feelings and could say that I stepped out of my comfort zone one time in college. I lost his friendship that day for the most part, and that's something I do feel a bit sad about. But I also know that we're both where we need to be, and I imagine God was using my chickening out to protect him from my less than stellar hormones.

I'd write more, but there is a little boy saying, "Mommy, yummy." Guess dinner is ready. =)

Layla said...

Almost everything. Seriously. I'd do almost all of it differently.