May 09, 2011

Some Serious Issues

I just learned that my younger sister is now living with my oldest brother in California.

The one we're going to visit at the end of this month for my nephew's high school graduation? Yeah...that one...

I am such a bad person. I was just telling a friend of mine to basically suck up a situation with her family, that she just has to get through it, because we can't choose our family, we know that there are those in our family who will hurt us, and we are rightfully able to set our boundaries, especially with our families, and the whole time I've been sitting here stewing in my own juices over having to see my sister face to face at the end of the month.

I honestly don't remember the last time I saw her. I know she was at my wedding almost 9 years ago, but I really truly don't remember if that was the last time, or if there was one more time after that...

I think what it boils down to is that I'm tire of hearing people make excuses for her choices. No one forced her to try drugs. No one forced her to start drinking, or hanging out with the people she did...she grew up with the same parents I did - the parents that raised up 4 other children who are responsible, caring, compassionate, loving, kind, hard workers, parents, friends...I mean...if my folks got it right with 80% of their children, and didn't do anything different with the other 20%...how can people sit there and say "well, it's just (insert excuse we make for people here)"...

I just don't know that things are truly so much "nature" or "nurture" as we think...

I know that she grew up in the same family I did, with the same rules, the same consequences, the same expectations, eating the same food, going to the same Church, the same schools...but does that therefore mean that because her biological parents had addictions, she was fated, unable to choose for herself? I just can't believe that we're STUCK with the things our parents did to dictate our lives, with no choice as to who we become, or how we then live...

At any rate, I'm trying not to dwell on the fact that I'll be facing the person who hurt me, and my mother and father, who ripped apart our family...

I'm not ready for it, I'm not looking forward to it in any positive way whatsoever.

And now, to prepare myself, I'm going to look up the recipe for Paula Deen's chocolate banana grilled quesadilla that she just made with her insanely good-looking son Jamie on Best Dishes...



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Thanks, Inkling! I know that a TON of her behavior is rooted in her early childhood. She's the oldest of 4 biological kids, 3 of which are dealing with serious issues along the lines of addiction and abuse. She was in foster care here in the States by the time she was 5, and came to us at age 6. Her adoption was final by the time she was 7. I don't know all the details about her parents' behaviors, but I do know that she was doing much more than any 3 or 4 year old should ever have to do. I also know you aren't excusing her behavior...the folks that DO are the ones who make me angry - because I do know that it's hard to overcome the things we were surrounded with and dealing with for any duration in our lives.

Mostly it's the folks who don't know our family, or all the things that we did, or what was done to us, that make me angry...

Its such a messy situation, and I only know that I'm terrified that I'll spout off and mess things up for her since she truly seems to want this change in her life this time around. The skeptical, pissed off teenager that still runs amok in my mind is screaming at the top of her voice that there's no possible way this will work, after all, she "ran away" twice before...

Thanks for letting me spout off!

Inkling - I totally get it! I think I know the site you're looking at, and am visiting it right now. =) And for the record, you're so not a failure...

Who knows, this could just be my latest litmus test (see, Mr. DeSantis? I was paying attention in your Chemistry class in High School!)

1 comment:

Inkling said...

You are not a bad person for sharing your heart with your friend while also experiencing your own family pain. It's always easier to cheer someone else on in their own struggles than to cheer yourself on with yours. I'm sure that's what your friend would say if she could see you in person. And I'm sure she wasn't offended but instead took your words as encouragement that helped her focus. =)

I was thinking......did you guys adopt your sister when she was a tiny infant? If so, then what I'm about to say has absolutely no bearing. But, if you guys adopted her when she was even the tiniest bit older than a baby, I'm wondering if this site I read last night for my own benefit would have anything to do with her situation. It talked about when our moms are too into themselves and not able to be good moms, and how we often choose one of two extremes. As daughters of moms like that, we either become this totally successful go-getter thinking that we'll finally win her approval. OR, we can do the opposite and end up sabatoging (however the heck you spell that) our own lives and becoming failures or even addicts. While we're doing that, unless someone (like the site I was reading) comes and tells us that is why we are doing what we're doing, we have NO idea that's why and instead come up with all sorts of other excuses for our behavior. For me, it was totally eye opening and explained a lot about why I'm pretty much a failure in the world's eyes. It's only a God-thing that I'm not an addict. Truly. Anyway, I'm just wondering if there is any chance that could be related to her issue. I'm NOT excusing her behavior or what she did to your family after you guys made her a part of it so many years ago. I've read her posts on your fb account and can totally see how broken she is and how hurtful she is to you. So please don't think I'm excusing her.

I just wanted to put this out there on the weird off chance you guys got her after her own mother had a chance to "nurture" her in a destructive way. If that is the case, then no amount of regular counseling would have helped her. Considering I've spent literally thousands of dollars on counseling myself and only just now got a clue what was really the "thing behind the thing" in my own situation because of that site I read, no wonder there are so many broken daughters walking around out there. (I hate even referring to her as a "broken daughter" because that makes it sound like it was your mom's fault, and that's NOT at all what I mean. I am referring to her biological mom.)

Argh. I hope this comes out right. As I type it, it seems a jumbled mess. Please just know I'm not trying to piss you off or make it worse. I just wanted to throw that out there. And of course, you know how to find the site I'm talking about. ;)