October 23, 2010

At Odds

Today is tough for me. I had a lousy night last night with Littlest One being awake with an upset tummy and the rough part of teething just beginning so often that I think I got less than 4 hours of sleep. Total. I'm sort of in a fog today, but pushed through my workout anyway.

I was challenged by the leader/facilitator of our Weight Loss group to hold myself at 1500 calories per day this week. I thought to myself that it was doable...until I looked back at my log and realized that I'm currently consuming closer to 2500 while nursing. I knew that no good would come if I cut my intake back that drastically, and am struggling to find a number that is still conducive to healthy milk production while allowing me to shed weight a bit more speedily than 1 pound per week. Needless to say, I'm not happy with feeling like I'm doing something wrong for my body, and am prayerfully engaged this weekend in finding the right balance of intake vs burn off through working out to allow me to continue to nourish Littlest One at the same time that I can work on my own long-term health...Please pray for me during this journey as I find that healthy balance!

I'm also feeling a bit at odds today with something that is a bit more difficult, and I'm somewhat ashamed of myself for feeling at odds...

This morning, BB got up with DG to give me some uninterrupted sleep after the last waking with Littlest One, which was wonderful! She was dressed and they were snuggling in his chair, watching something on Disney. I came downstairs because Littlest one was waking again...and after sitting on the couch for a tiny bit with her, BB got up and went to the garage and when he came back in again, told me to close my eyes because he was giving me my birthday presents. 10 days early.

This is not what caused me to be feeling at odds. Normally he makes me wait. I am not patient so this is a bit of joke in our house...so I was surprised today when he brought things in for me.

I was excited, not sure what to expect. And opened my eyes to find...........

A brand new electric griddle, 2 spatulas and a pastry brush.

This is what makes me feel at odds. I mentioned some tiem ago that when we replaced our current griddle, I wanted one that was bigger, with a warming drawer and a drip tray to make it easy to clean up when I did stuff like bacon...and I also mentioned that I wanted some new spatulas and was on the search for the perfect ones...and that a pastry brush would be nice to have to put my "grease" on my pans for baking...

However, when asked directly what I wanted for my birthday this year, I said "Something impractical, like a gift certificate for a massage, or a mani/pedi...or a gift card to Fivebucks."

And that is what is causing me to feel at odds. I feel as though I was ignored, as though BB picked out something that he wanted, not what I truly wanted. I'm also feeling at odds because a gift that right now makes me feel as though I'll have more work, or that my only value is when I'm working in the kitchen.

But mostly I'm feeling at odds because he wanted to surprise me with something special.

And I feel lousy for feeling bummed.

What a mess I am sometimes...

1 comment:

Penny said...

ya know, when will guys figure out that "something personal" does not include an appliance of any kind?? Just because they get thrilled with new tools doesn't mean we are on that same wave lenght. I agree that I would feel bummed too...and I also, would later feel bad about feeling bummed!! Is there room for 2 in your boat??