July 23, 2010

If We Had the Chance to Do It All Again...

I found myself this week, really wondering if I could change anything in my past, would I?

I decided that answer is yes...yes I would. But it is only one thing that wouldn't change who I am today...at least, I don't think it would.

You see, back when I was just 12, my best friend got sick. She had a rare form of liver cancer. We were 12. I remember my parents telling me, and taking me to pick out a "Get Well Soon" card. In retrospect, it seems silly now, buying a card saying "get well"...but at the time, I didn't know any better.

I distinctly remember writing in that card "Dear Friend's Name, I am sorry you have cancer. Get better soon, I miss you, Kork"

Not a big deal right? Well, as it turns out, no one had told her what was wrong yet.

Now, over the years since I've played this out over and over in my head...and I wondered why no one had told her - after all, it had been weeks since her diagnosis had come through...her parents were local (her mom moved to CO after she got sick, and her dad and stepmom and step-siblings were here), they'd consulted with the doctors over and over and over again, knowing that they could and would be pursuing all treatments available at the time....

I still wonder today, why I can't keep my big old mouth shut...why I sometimes lack discretion, the ability to keep myself to myself...

I still wonder what it must have been like for her, sitting in a hospital bed, having had tests run, blood drawn, being sick, and not knowing why, only to read it in a card from someone who wasn't even allowed to come and visit her...

I wonder sometimes, whether I'd still write that in that card if I could go back, knowing what I know now.

For the record? The answer is a resounding "No!" I would not write that.

But the rest? I wouldn't change a thing...

2 comments:

FarmWife said...

Honey, do not beat yourself up over this one. I cannot imagine not telling a child in the hospital what is wrong with them. How scary that must have been for your friend. You had no way of knowing and were only being kind. I don't see it as any different than someone sending #1 Son a card saying, "I hope your throat gets better soon," just before he had his tonsils out.

Sarah said...

Oh my goodness... Something went wrong there, but it certainly wasn't your fault at such a young age.Maybe a little more guidance for you then would have helped? Maybe...Better to have sent a card and shown your friendship than to have ignored that she as ill.You did your best & that's all you can do in life. xx