November 21, 2009

Embarassing Confession

They say confession is good for the soul, and so I must admit to this, because, well, it's long overdue.

Back around, oh, 6 years ago, I was lamenting the fact that my doctor had told me in much softer terms "Good luck ever having children". It was ugly, I was a wreck, and for the only time in my life, I understood why couples didn't stay married "til death do you part". I saw no reason for BB to be saddled with someone who couldn't give him children...

That's not all. About a year before we conceived Capt Chaos, we received a call from my adopted sister. The one with the drug problems and arrest record? Yeah, that one...she was calling after her latest bail out to inform us that she was pregnant. About 2 months later, some friends of ours that had been married all of 18 months let us know they were pregnant. Then, my maid of honor, also married about 18 months, let us know that they were pregnant too! To top it all off, halfway through our pregnancy, Missionary Man and his wife (married not quite a year at the time) announced their pregnancy. All of these people had no trouble whatsoever conceiving, and I was angry. I was mad that I was finally getting to experience the wonders of pregnancy and impending parenthood, and had to share it with all these other fact, had to experience it after most of them did.

About 3 months after Capt was born, we found out my sister was pregnant again. This was insufferable to me...based solely on the fact that she is unmarried, in so much trouble with her choices, and wasn't even sure if this child had the same father as her first.

We had no difficulty getting pregnant with DG, but the concept that those around me were fertile, in fact, one friend told me that she actually would go stay overnight with her folks each month to insure she wouldn't get pregnant, was more than I could bear.

And now, stupid and petty as it is to type it here, knowing that Missionary Man and SIL are also due with their 3rd, only days after our 3rd is due is just really grating to me. It doesn't matter that SIL is a full year and then some older than I. It doesn't matter that they purposely planned a pregnancy for while they were home from Africa. It doesn't matter that they want their children close together. It doesn't matter. At. All.

What matters is that they will be here in Colorado when my baby is born, and very shortly after I get home from the hospital, Mom and Dad will be divided in their attentions because they'll have another grandbaby born that will be deserving of their time.

I have another confession. Never once in my life have I had any momentous occasion to myself. I got my ears pierced when I was 8, and that was it. By the time I was old enough to hit puberty, my adopted sister who was 2 years younger than I was hit it not even a week later. I got my first bra, and mom decided about 2 weeks later that sister needed one too. My high school graduation was the same year that Designer Man and Missionary Man completed their undergraduate work, so Mom and Dad dragged the family to Designer Man's ceremony, turned around and left the next day to drive to Missionary Man's ceremony, and didn't arrive home until about 6 hours before my Senior Night, at which I was performing a solo. To top it off, while Preacher Man and his family were in town for my ceremony, it was also his 10th Reunion.

My wedding day was marred by my sister having a temper tantrum that she was not in the wedding (don't ask, I'm not going there today).

Our 3rd anniversary was spent on a trip to South Carolina for Missionary Man's wedding. Our 4th anniversary was spent at the hospital recovering from Captain's birth (which was the best anniversary gift ever, but still)...

I know it sounds childish and petty, but it still irks me that my birthday is the same day as my nephew's...and many other things like that...

Sometimes I hate being part of a large family for reasons just like this.

We don't have any Holiday or special occasion in our lives that isn't shared with some other family member's birth, anniversary, or death.

And now that you all know just how selfish I can feel free to chew me out for it. :D


FarmWife said...

I'm not going to chew you out on this at all. I had similar issues before & when I got pregnant with BabyGirl. I think the Lord protected me when Princess's best friend (who was newly 15) found out she was pregant weeks after I did. It turned out she was almost 3 months along. If I'd have found that out before I got my two blue lines, it would not have been pretty.

Then my BIL's girlfriend found out she was pregnant (they'd been dating 6 weeks) while I was newly preggers with BabyGirl. At my baby shower, my SIL told our MIL that she was pregnant.

When I was pregnant with #1 Son, she got pregnant again. As did 2 of Husband's cousins. It's not always easy to share.

When we went to schedule my C-section for Bitsy, the date the doctor said was our oldest nieces's 10th birthday & Husband & I both said, "NO!" We didn't want either girl to have to share. Doc agreed immediately & let us move it back a day.

Queen Mother said...

Not at all. you just have that longing to be the very center for one whole time. we all have it and I think we all need it.
Your story sounds somewhat like mine and that makes me wonder if there aren't more people missing out on that feeling then getting it.