Today was a struggle for me with regards to my daily challenge...and in fact, I'm not posting about it anymore...its got to be something that I work on with people that are actually geographically here, that I know in real life, and that I can talk to on a daily basis.
Sorry for that...but you know what? Sometimes, these things need to be held closely, as in your best friend that will tell you like it is...no matter what...
SO...I'm struggling today with my motivation. I'm having guests Saturday afternoon. I have a house to tidy and clean, refreshments to prepare, children to care for, more laundry to do (why is it that you can't ever get caught up with that chore???), shirts to iron, bread to bake...and no motivation whatsoever to do it.
BB is gone tonight, meeting with co-workers and managers from around the world. I don't begrudge him the need to be on his game this week with all the meetings etc that he has going on, or with handing off responsibilities to another co-worker, thus freeing up time to be totally responsible for his own career tracking...
I do, however, begrudge the fact that he can be gone for hours above and beyond normal working hours tonight. I begrudge him the ability to compartmentalize his life...he'll talk about me, the children, the house, but can switch in an instant to purely work. No getting caught up in the personal lives or issues facing people at home...
I begrudge my mother, for knowing I'd be alone with the kids tonight, and that she too would be alone, for desiring to be alone to work on projects rather than spend an hour or so having dinner with the kids and I.
I begrudge my friend at my Mom's group who has 4 children because her husband wanted a large family.
I begrudge my other friends that are currently expecting number 4, number4, number 3, number 5 and number 3 respectively...because I so desperately feel like we are missing children.
I begrudge the ladies I know that are so rock-solid in their faith, and are not shaken by things...
I begrudge my friend who has 6 children, and yet, somehow maintains her perfectly coiffed hair, manicured nails, flawless complexion (without makeup most of the time), and size 6...without effort.
I begrudge these feelings in myself...this being so drawn to compare myself to others, with being drawn to be frustrated that my children are not perfectly behaved all the time, being drawn to taking the easy way rather than the right way...
I begrudge that I have to justify my spending to my husband for what feels like every cent...I begrudge that he can then turn around and spend $500 on a tool storage cabinet without batting an eyelash.
Case in point?
My friend recently remarked "you know I'm pregnant again don't you? We're due in May!" She looks like she's simply dealing with a little leftover holiday overindulgence, not that she's 5 months pregnant with her 5th child...and I'm still carrying around the weight gain from Captain Chaos, let alone that which I gained that stuck with Tiny Princess...
I went to Kohl's to take back some items I'd purchased without trying them on in the dressing room...and they were AWFUL on me...they fit, but they looked really bad, and I appeared the size of a house...and was trying to find a decent sports bra in order to allow me to run a bit more comfortably...I found one. It was $40. on sale. I bought it with the money given back to me (which had originally been on a gift card. For me. From my mother.) BB freaked out that I'd spent so much on a "stupid bra".
I called my mother for something entirely unrelated, mentioned the fact that BB would be gone late tonight for dinner, and she said "I'm not having dinner with you. Your father will be gone to a meeting, and I've got projects to do, so don't even ask."
As you can see...today is not a good day for me. I've spent time praying, reading my Bible, writing down all the things with which I'm struggling, listening to inspiring music. I've worked out, I've tidied quite a bit of the hosue (not as much as I'd like, but I've done SOME things).
The kids are waking up from naps, so I'll go get them, change them, and feed them their dinner. Then we'll hang out for a while, and I'll put Tiny Princess down, followed by Captain Chaos, and then I'll put myself to work cleaning my house, knowing that tomorrow BB will working from home, and will be frustrated with me doing things I normally do, like vacuum, play with the kids, run the washer and dryer, cook, sweep, dust, take out trash, let the dog out...and that I'll be censured for not creating the optimal work environment for him. I'll want to lash out at him, that maybe he should work in the office that he has here, where he can close doors, OR that maybe, just maybe he should actually go into the office tomorrow...and then I'll think to myself how horrible it is that he does this to me.
I'm hoping and praying that I can stop acting this way, because I do want to be the happy, loving, demonstrative, giving, caring and encouraging wife that I know I am called to be...but right now, I've ordered a pizza, and plan to eat crappy food in moderation, and just be pitying myself for a bit longer tonight...
2 comments:
I think that pizza is a good temporary friend! You will be back to feeling chirpier before you know it. We are all entitled to a little while of feeling grumpy and begrudging. You will be ok again and will wonder why you ever felt so blue.Look after yourself.S x
Mama said there'd be days like this. I think the challenge is all about recognizing these things even when we're still struggling with them. I've still been snippy with FarmBoy & down right livid a few times, but I recognize things quicker.
Maybe it wouldn't be a bad thing for you to ask him to work from his office when he's home. Just word it so that it's for his comfort and not yours.
And do not feel guilty about the bra. The girls need support!! Remind him that if you're not wearing a good bra, they'll end up at your waist by the time you're 40. ;)
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