Reasons My Husband is Still Alive Today

1 - I could not find a way to make it look accidental so I could collect the life insurance.

2 - He was awfully helpful with party preparation, including, but not limited to taking care of children

3 - He finally broke down and bought me a giant umbrella for my deck that does not require a table to go with it

4 - He grills a mean bratwurst

5 - He is just too darn cute

And now for the explanation behind my desire to off my husband yesterday:

It actually starts about 3 months ago. When we found out he had high cholesterol, he decided to for-go the automatic response of our doctor to prescribe medication, and went on a diet, and started working out 5 days a week. No problem there. I have been very supportive, changing my habits and those of Captain Chaos. I have been sympathetic when the scale stays the same, or has gone up a pound or so. I have been excited to listen to his stories of how he triumphed over temptation when a co-worker brought in doughnuts. I have been helpful with making sure his workout clothes are clean, and not sweaty and gross.

During the time since Tiny Princess' birth in January, I have been rapidly dropping the pounds, as I've been nursing. No surprise for those who have nursed, and experienced the same thing. However, over the last 4 weeks or so, I've hit a plateau, and have actually had to start doing more than taking the kids in the double stroller for a walk. I've started working out, and running on our treadmill early in the morning while the kids and BB are still asleep. No luck. I'm stuck at 155. The waistline is starting to expand again. I am NOT pregnant, I am NOT eating junk, or drinking lots of sugary beverages, eating too much ice cream, etc. I am simply stuck for the time being at this number. I am unhappy with my jiggly belly (I feel like Dr Jiggle for all you Veggie Tales watchers out there). I know it will get better...it took almost all my life to get like this, 4 months is NOT going to change it drastically, and it will take some time to get to where I'd like to be.

Fast forward to Saturday, May 31st. I was getting dressed to go to the wedding of a dear friend, and as I lamented last week, all my clothes are fitting weirdly. Thanks to Ang I have a shopping date set up for later this week, during which I will go and buy myself some new outfits for non-everyday things. I'm ok with scrounging around in too big shorts, and slightly tight shirts as long as I'm just hanging around the house cleaning, and sitting on the deck. No big deal.

I was standing there, as is my habit, in front of the mirror putting my "goop" on my face, and styling product in my hair. BB stepped out of the shower, and asked what he was supposed to wear (God bless him for not trying to dress himself for special occasions). I jokingly replied "You're in it baby! We're flaunting our new bodies today!"

He looked at, and said, dead serious, "I think you need to lose a few more pounds before you flaunt it."

I am, to say the least, devastated. I have worked myself crazy over the last 2 years of being at home with our children to make sure that the house is taken care of, I handle the finances, I make the meals, I do the laundry, I do all the gardening, all the preservation of our garden produce, all the shopping, I iron his freaking work clothes, and I try really hard to not be one of those stay-at-home moms that runs around in grungy sweats and stained t-shirts with my hair in a pony tail and no makeup. I put forth the effort every day of looking my best within my resources because my husband and children are special enough for me to do it. I enjoy looking nice and having as nice and peaceful a home as I can make within my resources. I understand that there are some days I don't look so great, and the house is crazy, but no one is perfect.

We went to the wedding, no apology, no "I'm just kidding"...nothing. NOT. ONE. WORD.

He asked me that night if something was wrong, as I was sort of picking at my dinner, after having turned down ice cream.

He was surprised that I was hurt by what he said.

He still didn't apologize.

We woke up Sunday morning, on our anniversary, and I was up hours before he was (see below), doing all the noiseless things to prepare for the party for Captain Chaos. When he woke up, the kids were up, bathed, dressed and ready for whatever. I asked him is we were going out for breakfast, and he replied, "No, I thought we'd just stay in and eat something sort of light, so we don't ruin our appetite for the BBQ."

I had purchased a card, and nice gift for him, presented it to him over breakfast, which I cooked, and he had finished before I even sat down at the table.

No card, no gift. Not even a "Happy Anniversary". No mention. Not anything like "We'll have your folks watch the kids later this week and have dinner together, alone."

He went out to run some errands, and came back with a Frappuccino for himself, half drunk. He did call me from Target and asked if I wanted that umbrella we saw.

He came home, spent the next 2 hours setting up the umbrella, and then cooking for our few guests. He spent the entire party sitting on the deck, eating and drinking, while I made sure the food was refilled, drinks were flowing, the cake was ready to be presented, the pictures were being taken, and that Tiny Princess was changed and fed and put down for a nap.

After the party, he sat outside while my mother and brother helped me clean up. My mom even broke all the boxes down, and ran my vacuum cleaner for me. My brother washed my floors and cleaned the sink...my dad helped pack up the leftovers.

And then, when it was all said and done, and Captain Chaos had been put down for his nap, Tiny Princess awoke, I fed her, and when I sat down on the couch to relax, he looked at me and said "What's for dinner?"

I thought perhaps he had some surprise, and I held out hope until this morning, when he rode off to work on his motorcycle, and said over his shoulder as he was turning around, "I'll be home around 5:30, can you have dinner ready then so we don't have to eat at 7?"

And that, is why my husband almost had a cast-iron skillet upside the head at 7am today...