If it Wasn't for My Children...

I was sitting last night, after posting, and thinking nasty thoughts about BB, watching the children do their thing, and it came to me...

If it wasn't for my children:

• I might have gone beyond the random flitting thought of whacking BB into oblivion...but if I go to jail for manslaughter, who will raise my children?
• I would still be working full-time in corporate America, miserable, and stressed out to the max.
• I would still be 60 pounds above my "ideal weight" (doctor's term, not mine)
• I would have traveled to Shanghai with BB for 2 weeks
• I would not have learned all there is to know about the Baby Einstein division of Disney
• I would have at least 4 stamps in my passport.
• I would never have known what it is to truly love unconditionally
• I would never have experienced those wonderful snuffly, slobbery, open mouth "kisses"
• I would miss out on every one of the scrapes, bumps, tumbles and crashes of a toddler that still runs to me for hugs and kisses
• I would not see the total delight and uninhibited belly laugh of my 4 1/2 month old daughter when I come into the room to get her out of bed
• I would miss out on becoming a human jungle gym every time I sit down to fold laundry
• I would not hear, along with the sound of a vehicle, the yell from Captain Chaos "Daddy?"
• I would not hear, in the early hours of the morning, before I walk down the hall, the tiny voice singing "E-I-E-I-E", and "Happy, happy, happy" that Captain Chaos sings to his crib buddies
• I would not be awakened in the night by the heart-stopping, gut-wrenching fear that there are no tiny snores coming through the monitor from Captain Chaos' room, or the little snuffles, and slurps as Tiny Princess seeks and finds her thumb in her sleep.
• I would not creep silently down the hall to try with all my might to open the bedroom doors soundlessly and peek into the gloom to make sure their chests are rising and falling with each breath they take.
• I would not have the blessing and opportunity every day to sit and feed my baby girl, and marvel at the shape of her face, the sweep of her eyelashes, and the rosebud that is her mouth

Most importantly, if it was not for my children, I would not be able to have awakened this morning, and tell BB that I was going to arrange for a sitter, to allow us to have a meal out, alone, for our anniversary, and know in the depths of my heart that he was forgiven by me, and that I truly, madly, deeply love him.

I know that not all days of my life will be blissful, as the first 6 months after my wedding were - until the fateful day I reprogrammed the thermostat for "slightly above arctic". I know that not all days will have one highlight until I have tumbled into bed, exhausted, and I recount in my head, and write down on paper all the things that occurred. And somewhere around the middle of that list, be it mental or written, I will shift from the icky things that made me sad and mad, to the things that made me smile, laugh, and filled my heart with joy.

I thank you all for letting me blow off my anger yesterday at BB, and express how hurt I was. While I still hurt over his seeming indifference to our anniversary, I am learning that it is not the one day that marks our wedding, but all the days after that make up our marriage that count. I am learning that the little things done on those days are far more valuable and special than a bouquet of flowers, a dinner out, and a card.