December 23, 2014

Here We Are Again

Perhaps it's that life is busier with 3 school-aged children and working outside the house part-time.  Perhaps I'm outgrowing things.  Perhaps it's just that I see that I had so many dreams of improvements and changes that haven't yet come to fruition...but I, like so many others, find myself here less and less.

I admit that I miss it, and, in the midst of certain moments, I find myself thinking "I have to remember to put that on the blog."  But I never seem to get to it.

It isn't that I don't enjoy writing.  Or that I don't want to share things.

I think it's just that I'm in a different season right now.

This is no longer just a chronicle of things that go on...but it seems the safest place to dump things which need mulling over.

I still write.  In my head.  In the middle of the night when sleep eludes me.

I am finding myself picking up more and more of my mother's behaviors and habits.   Most of which is pleasing to me.  Until I find myself telling the kids "It's cold out, put on a jacket" because I'm cold...

I find that I'm more and more selective with how I use what free time I'm granted in any one day.

I'm not twe.eting, or even updating my status on social media.  I'm networking.  I'm being a room-parent for DestructoGirl.  I'm volunteering for Captain's class as a reading buddy.  I'm taking Littlest One to dance classes and helping make friendship bracelets and potholders and brushing Bar.bie's hair and tying ribbons and doctoring babies and stuffed animals while their "mommies" are out shopping...

But I find I'm missing a bit of myself a little more each day...I miss the girl I was before I met BB.  When I was in a little school in the middle of nowhere and I bumped into Farmwife and we had SO MUCH in common.  When Senor was someone I pined for (no judgment girls!), and I was so self-assured.

It seems odd to me that I'm here.  39 years old. Wife, homemaker, mother of three children.  I make hundreds of decisions for my children, family, home, and self each hour, and yet, I find myself pondering the direction I'm heading, the hobbies I'm pursuing, the shape of my mind, heart, and soul...and find myself feeling in need of a serious makeover.

Farmwife once said she doesn't make resolutions.  I'm finding that to be a wise decision.  I'd rather not resolve to do something - it sounds very forced, which means it isn't going to be easy to stick with it.

I realize that there are things I need to change because it's simply not healthy for me to continue.

But there are things that I know saying "resolve" in front of will result in "rebel" in my behavior...

And I am again, at the end of another calendar year, pondering just what in my life can improve, and am I truly ready to make those changes???

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